Sunday, October 15, 2017

Dear life...

  I feel horrible for not writing for so long.  I really have no excuses .  And I can not  apologize for it ether. It has been interesting  month or so....

 September 19th and 20th were 2 really horrible days for me. I  am grateful for my friend who  took me under her wing and offered her company for these 2 days.    I felt myself slowly falling into darkness again, and those who have been there , know how it feels to be alone and scared and frustrated and fragile and misunderstood and angry, and sad, and mad  and feel hate and love and more frustrations, and more darkness and more everything else that is not possible to put into words...

The feelings, I  felt not for that 2 days, but for  whole 8 years are only  imaginable by those who have lost a child.  But around every major Memory that is associated by Regina , I turn into this hot mess, and as much as I try to be on control of everything, It is not possible for me to stay completely in control of my emotions.  I have been told so many times you have PTSD...  ANd then I have been told- when I open up about it,  NO YOU DON't , you never went to war... You did not kill anybody or did see anybody killed.....   Well, for those of you who have said that , and are reading it right now, I did see someone I gave birth to be killed by cancer, by medications,  by my own choices even maybe, because who am I to know what is right or wrong to do or suggest or  whatever when my own child has cancer?   There Is not right or wrong...  Action has to be taken .... And hope it turns out to be  Right step...

You lie to yourself every single morning - that it will be alright, because if you don't lie to yourself that everything will be alright you will be mess, not able to breathe, sleep, see, feel.....   So I told myself, I got this shit, and we will be alright....


I lied to my friends that I am ok, to my family, to doctors, to psychologists, to strangers....  I lied till I could not anymore...

And now 8 years later, when I am telling the truth, most people have pulled away, because they don't know how to react to it, how to comfort, how to be a friend...    Can I blame them?  No , of course not..  

They go back to avocado and kale and wish for miracle cure for all of their problems....  I don't have time for that shit....

Let me end this post before I get more passionate about it......

 I have issues,, I know...  I just wish no mother ever has to loose their child again, but it is naive wish...    So my humble suggestion to you is...     Don't be intimidated.... We  moms who have gone trough hell , are tough as fuck...  But we are still human.  Our reality is different than yours, but it does not make us better than you in any way.. Our wisdoms are different, and accept that...  Be there for as us well,  we need a ear and a hand and a shoulder to cry on time to time........

.... love to you all....

Monday, September 11, 2017

setback....

First of all, I want to apologize to all of you , who have sent me messages, and emails, and I have not responded to them...

All of you who are moms, or , amazing friends, or even amazing open minded humans, know what intuition is!!! You know something is wrong with someone close to you in your life, or with someone you vibe well with... it is just that feeling...

I woke up today feeling sick. I was sweating my heart was racing,  and I could not even concentrate .  I would sit on a sofa and shake... ( not because of alcohol--- I cut my drinking down to weekends these days)...   I could see my heart wanting to jump out of my chest, and that made kind scared....  And my mind went straight to Gabriel- my son , who lives in china... He is 16 years old ... and i miss him way to much...   Few minutes after that, I got a message from Gabriel, asking me to contact Hangzhou international school, because he is really sick....  I almost lost my mind..  I was like, where is you father?  And  Gabe said- he is never here.....   My heart just stopped for few seconds....
I  got all these emotions in me, and I could not let them out.. All I could do was to just smile, and tell him everything will be alright, and he will be fine...  and drink and sleep, and drink more water or gatorade... Just relax and don't worry about anything......

So, after I was done chatting with him...  Calmness kind of came back to me, but now I am just angry.. Angry at myself for many reasons... and  for a split second.. I wanted to let myself go again...  Eat uncontrollably, drink bottle of wine, and send tons of angry messages to G's father... But I composed myself...  And told myself.. this is it.. Never again, will I let this man to get under my skin... Because if i do, I might end up in jail , somewhere in China......

Just hoping that my awesome rockstar son gets better soon

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Free yourself...

What is your freedom?

How do you see yourself, vs how your peeps see you?

my thoughts tonight are simple...

My  peeps see me stronger than I appear...  

Why...

Because...

 I forgot to show me and my weaknesses.. Because I forgot how I talk to myself  is important........






Friday, August 25, 2017

Welcome to House of Chaos..

Few things have changed  over here. I adopted cute kitty.  When I was in the midst of my mental breakdown, I just realized I can't be alone . And I checked into local shelters for pets for adoption. I was interested in female kitten...  As I started scrolling down, there she was.... 2 and half months old and her name was listed REGINA....  I contacted shelter, paid 150 dollar adoption fee, and  now I am mewmma :D  I call her Gigi, and she is a riot... BTW.. She was the least cute kitty at the shelter, but  she was meant for me. . Sadly, I do have pretty bad cat allergy and have to take meds , but at this point it is ok. I am not asthmatic .  Which is good news.....  We get along great, and she is great little ray of sunshine :D Helps me with my anxiety  a lot :D

'
Second huge change is...  Lot of you know , that I started working out with personal trainer.. But she is doing more for me than just helping me get in shape.  She is like my mental organizer.  When I walked through gym doors, I was complete mess. I worked out every day sometimes 2 hours at a time.. I ate healthy, I did not cheat with my meals,  I drank no more than 2 glasses of wine per night, but once in a while did have saturday nigh binge drinking with friends... 

  When I signed up with my gym, I was assigned personal trainer.  I did not know who she was,  I did not know If i'd like her, and I did not even actually think I will sign up for personal training sessions....  It was just too expensive for me, and I though I have to give up a lot to afford her....

From the first moment on when I met her, I liked her energy.  I can't explain it.  She moved me. Her whole presence moved me...  After she weighed me and measured me, she asked me to tell her my story. j I usually don't start crying right away, because I am so used to telling my story, but at that moment when she asked for it, something in me  cracked, and I broke down and I told her short version of my story..   Tears just kept flowing, and  I knew She was placed into my life for a reason. WHile I was telling her my story, I had made up my mind to hire her as my personal trainer for 16 sessions..  

We have had 4 sessions..  When I first started I was soo closed down emotionally, physically.  My body was holding into every ounce of food I ate...  It did not matter what I did, it just ketp piling up...  She opened something in me, and after 2 sessions with her , I started feeling like newer better version of me.   
It was the things she said, routed me back to tracks I was supposed to be on. But life choices, relationships , toxic friendships, people  I allowed to  walk all over me and my own mind- just threw me off rails for a while....

I still get teary eyed in beginning of every workout, but I channel those tears into fixing myself, and getting my healthy mindset back. To much shit has happened in my life and I have to somehow forgive myself, for allowing that to happen...   

At least  I am on a right track :)
 I believe Kim is - what everyone needs in their life... That voice that whispers you-- it's all in you.. Dig deeper... You got this... ..

 Also, I  had another huge Ahaaa... moment .. But I will write about more, when I am 200% sure  it really was AHAAAAAAAA moment.....

BTW...  All of you who are reading this..   I am just looking for support :D   I have all the answers, and I just need little UMphhhhhh once in a while to  push me another level......

love...xoxo

Monday, August 14, 2017

Bitch, Please!!!

Well, title to this post is very general. I use those 2 words at least 100 times through out the day, but I do not say it out loud.  I may hum a little when I say it, but... I keep it to myself...hahah .. I actually wanted to make this Instagram post, and be super inspirational and shit, but decided to blog it instead.


So, I have an accent. Those of you who have met me  know this. I might use words incorrectly, or make up my own words randomly, if word does not come to me. SOme of my sentences are built so wrong, even I don't understand what I am saying, but I just don't care.

I just want to make a quick point about something.  Because I have an accent, I am not a moron.  I am not stupid. I am not the one you should take advantage of, or pour your heart out..

I am HUMAN first. I have feelings, thoughts, hobbies, life, family, my own opinion,  etc... For  you to think of me lesser, because of my broken english or judge me based of how thick my accent is, says lot about you...  How many languages you speak yourself before you start judging me or other  people with accents?  tell me please?.. OH, you say you speak spanish.. PLEASE!!! LET IT OUT, and let me find a   native spanish speaker to judge you and  your accent.... How does that feel now...

THen you might say.. But you live in usa.. You should not have accent like this...  And then I might totally get all hot inside and little crazy etc...  And I might say - just to annoy you.... YOu know what... Drop  your  pants...  I wanna see  your tiny sad dick with no balls where most of your   empathy and understanding  comes for others...

WIth that said...... All I really want in this world is.. TO have understanding and love for one another.   We all live on the same planet.  Why not accept and understand one another's differences and grow from it, instead of spreading hate everywhere?  I know, I sound naive now.. But what is left there to wish these days.  I am so sad, that people walk around their head stuck in their asses and behaving like ones...


I am just angry today.........

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Breathe in , breathe out...

.... This is pretty much how I have been surviving here for a while..
I admit.. I am fuming  middle aged mess, but I am still HOT... ... mess....  lol

One of the things that gave me peace this month is-- Reginas memorial maker was finally completed, and installed..

Promised 16 days from company , turned into 60 something stressful days..  They made major mistakes in design and spelling errors. ...   I stressed over an issue, I should have never  ever spent a second stressing over....   Lady, who I contacted , was legit, and her company had done thousands of markers..... But maybe that is a problem... she lost passion..........She had one job, and she should have done it right. But long story short.. Reginas memorial maker is beautiful. And she is resting peacefully at El Toro Memorial park...  

I have been told once or twice after Reginas passing that I should be grateful that I had experienced motherhood at such young age And That I was married before, and that I have lived good life and  yada yada yada....  It almost feels like people have no compassion anymore...  No common sense ether...

All I have to say to this kind of "love and care" is.  I appreciate your input ....  I am happy, that only thing in life you have to worry about is...  You did not get a full scoop of ice cream. ;)

Love one another. THere is so much hate in this world already.  Find your tribe ,  appreciate it...  Help one another.  Guide those who are lost.  Mentor someone... HUG  if that is what you can do at any given moment... Make someone smile... Give honest compliment.    Do not forget to love yourself.     And .... Don't be afraid to be  YOU.... .... That is what I learned from Regina.... ..... xoxox

Saturday, August 5, 2017

YOU

 I want honesty-- that kind of honesty, that makes me  take a deep breath in  .. and pause for a sec, and then breathe out  and say.. yup.. that is what I wanted to hear....


I want love... I want love that is meant for me...

I want someone look into my eyes--  and all I feel  , is that  look, was the look  was given just for me...

I want kisses-- the ones that leave me weak to my knees...  the ones, I keep my eyes open just to see you enjoying every second of it...


I want You..... The one -I never saw coming.....  Y -O -U....

Thursday, August 3, 2017

I am weirdo.....

Feelings--- I don't think I have many of those "feeling things" left... Just saying...

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Happy Birthday to my son....

My  Second born is turning 16 in 42 minutes... He was born on june 22nd , just 22 minutes after midnight.   He is perfect in every aspect..

He loves pasta, and macaroni and cheese, and corn dogs..  And sushi and sashimi and Japanese curries... He loves his games and cosplay.

After introducing him to piano and ukulele and guitar... He chose drums as his choice of instrument and he has been successfully playing them in school concerts ...

He loves building robots, and arguing , and being right... Don't even try to debate him.. He will talk  you to death... I am not lying... That is him.....

 He is turning 16 .. and I have not seen him since september.

Not a day has gone by , that I have not thought about him..  Not a moment... He is always in my mind..  I know he is in excellent hands. I know My ex and his new miss are taking good care of him..  But as a mother....   I know I would have been taken better care of him :)    

Lot of people have asked me, if judge ordered that etc.. etc... NO...  I made conscious decision mycelf to return to states without him..  Me and my ex did not use lawyers or mediators, or  other stupid legal shit people do here.... We did 2 week las vegas divorce...


So, please , do not ever judge me from your standpoint....  We all live our lives the way it works to us...   And as hard as it to admit right now... THis works for me.

But I came to another scary realization ... I completely understand how fathers , who had to give up to their children  because of court order feel....     You will never stop worrying and wondering, and praying, and wishing them the best....   I have compassion and love to every parent who had to make this decision, or decision was made for them....  KEEP  YOUR CHIN UP!!!!!     Keep your mind and thoughts positive, and everything will be ok ......    And  tell your loved ones you care about them, or love them, or miss them, .. And mean it...... xoxoxo... ALways mean it.....

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Hi... How are you?

 Once in a blue moon, when someone asks this questions my eyes light up...

TOday for instance,  I went to  Trader Joes, and It is my favorite grocery store to shop at for my  grocery needs.  I bought a bottle of pinot, low sodium turkey, hummus and case of water... Before that of course cashier would ask me- "HOW ARE YOU, YOU look  great, love your hair"....  And that just made my day.    I did have amazing day today, managed to have great workout at gym, and run tons of errands and then did sunset hike.. SO when she asked 9.30 pm about my day,  I just started glowing...  And I told her...  it was amazing day and I am about to head home have some wine , eat turkey and listen to tons of music... And she started laughing and said... She will skip the turkey, but can't wait to be reunited with wine and  dinner....   And that is why I love Trader Joes...  Every time I go there - even to buy a bag of chips, some worker has something to say about it, or suggest perfect snack combo to go with it.. and they are always on point...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE TRADER JOES!!!!! I think maybe that is one of the reasons I wanted to move back to USA from China....


 But how am i really ... In reality, I am living one day at a time, ....  I am trying to spend as much time in nature as possible, because I realized , that is what makes my mind calm, relaxed . I am not overthinking , I am not obsessing, I am not sad, I am not anxious when I am near natural mother nature...   I have been making conscious choices that would benefit my well being, and I am happy universe has been co-operative....

Same time... I do miss going dancing... Loud music is therapeutic as well.. Dancing it all out... Being one with the rhythm... I just wish I had that perfect partner to go out to LET IT OUT!!! SO sometimes late at night, I put on my high heels, my fave dress  .. find my Beats, and let my music take over  every sense that is alert and active..... I dance it out...   And I fall asleep smile on my face :)

I do what works for me...    You do too....   Getting to know who I am has been pretty damn amazing journey....  And it is not over....   I will always be a hot mess...   But I want to be hotter mess :D   I want to be more selfless.. more free, more caring, more appreciative, more confident, more loving, more accepting, more trusting... And last but not least-- More ME....

xo..  just my 5 cents for tonight....... I want to be more fabulous.......

oh.... if you wish to see my Instagram feed.. my ID is  dontmesswithdiana



Tuesday, June 6, 2017

She would not like to be like most girls....

This is the year - Regina would graduate High School... And this would be the last year for me to obsessively post about how I feel about my baby......  I am letting it go... I have to let it go. I have to make peace with it... I have to let her rest in peace..... And finally I found her a place to rest....

  I have had many dreams about her over the years...

WHen I lived in Asia, I almost never dreamed about her...

But when I moved back, it got out of control...   I dreamed about Regina about 2 times in ever y week.. . it was too much for me to handle...  But dreams would never stop.

 There were - and still are times I wake up in cold sweat   seeing her Gebe and her playing .. There are times I see dreams I see me getting  little frustrated with her--meaning me trying to teach her how to read or do math, or "forcing"  her into research program  she did not choose, but it was best bet for her....

 I will always feel it all....   I would feel every emotion  I ever hear from every parent going through having  their child getting sick... ..

But at this moment .. .I see my   beautiful Regina  going to prom,heading off to University.... having a boyfriend... ....



and and and....

I want my People reminding me I have a son who needs me equally as much...



I am well aware what is happening in my life....

One thing I want to tell you is... As much I want to leave this all behind...  Never talk about it, etc... It is not my thing...


SHe is here... I feel Her every day next to me...

Never tell me it will get better.. ........  Loose  your child.. then chat with me about these topics......




                               


Sunday, May 28, 2017

I can fix me up....

"My life journey is what it is.
I have lived a life , but my life is not over. "These are the words I just told someone who questioned my well being.....

Past year I have been struggling to write, because  I have got lot of BS from people to my face and privately about what I should be, instead what I am ....  Seems like everybody knows more about me, than I do... ...

Don't get me wrong... I love a good advice.  I take it into consideration but apply to my life, when there is need for that . We all live a life that is given to us , and we all have different demons to fight. ...

 I have been actually struggling with lot of other things to.  But I am happy to say , One thing I am not struggling anymore is -- 'Me'.  Going from divorce to Single mom-- is hard...

Then.. Divorce- single mom- single.....  That is even harder....  But it is doable...  Nothing changes..

Now I am ex wife... But I am still mom... I always will be mom.. BUT I am not HANDS on mom...


 Which means -- I am back in beginning...  With scars only few can understand....


And I am slowly withdrawing myself from who do not see me...

It is hardest one of them all... But it has to be done as well :)

Live the life you feel is designed for you, not the life  people around you think is meant for you.....
Make your own mistakes, have your adventures, laugh about jokes that make you laugh, don't care what others say, date who you wanna date, take care of your kids the way it works for you....

LOVE YOU the way no one else can LOVE YOU !!!

Peace and Love to you all.....






Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Just let it be..

( This post is just weird ... ever for me ;))

I don't remember...

 I can't point a finger on what made me ME....
But I remember the day I accepted my faith in November TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN.... Maybe that was it?

 I don't know?
 I was fresh out of "country side"...  Met someone fresh  out of divorce,/ Ph.d degree and "shit"...

19 year old me ..... of course it was exciting...But I had no idea , this is the life I would one day love to live... ....


 fast forward to now...


  I Remember every moment from 09/20/2009... till now... ANd before that... lets rewind it all to till 1997...  Yes.... it has been my life and my memories.. and flash backs... .

How could I forget...



I had 2 amazing kids, had interesting marriage  for about 14 years, . .. And to this date I have been a mom  for 18 years...

It has not been an easy ride... There are days, I wish I was not me..

There r days, I wish I did not exist.. There r days I wish I could ... . ... ....

There are days I wish I could show my emotions as raw as they are in me, and everyone would understand...

There are days people would not tell me they get it... ( because they don't)

There are days  I wish  people just leave me alone..

There are days people did not expect anything from me...

And with that all said... I wish my Friends would not turn away from me when I do not return their messages for days...











Thursday, April 27, 2017

One of the reasons I have trust issues...

I don't really have them anymore, but I don't give a crap about being in a relationship ( you know one of those where you can annoy each other with bad breath, and farts, and open door bathroom visits... And cuddles.... I do miss cuddles...... )..


But I was just thinking back to couple of my relationships and , chats with guys, and I realized...   I am  going to be single till the day, someone appreciates me...  Does not matter what I do...


 But back to trust issue shit....  When I was married to my ex husband ( most of you know he is Chinese)... He would constantly tell me, he does not like Chinese women/ girl/ whores/ or whatever other vagina owning  living things)... But  interestingly enough  he only had affairs with Asian, and is now in happy ( i hope they are happy) relationship with Chinese woman and has 2 new kids.....  Adorable ones I must say :D

Then I dated this guy, who always said, OH NOOO, i can't stand black girls/ woman ( he was black himself)... ANd I just laughed inside.... PLEASE STOP THIS NONSENSE... A
And then I dated someone else  who was black, who said exact same thing, and he is in a relationship with AMAZING beautiful Black girl right now... SO .. I guess my superpower is... I am Crazy white girl, and I turn them back to dating their own race :D        

Yeah, I have  trust issues... NEVER tell me anything bad about your exes...   THere was a reason you were with them at first place, sometimes even spent years with them...  There is a reason you trusted them, there was a reason, you fell in love with them... And yes, there was a reason your relationship fell apart... But don't let that over shine all the goodness they brought to your life.... BTW... my friends know all the shit about my amazing exes too....     And sometimes I wish, I made smarter choices...  But heck with it :D  

We are all crazy in our own way....  

I know there are few females out there thinking I am the worst person in  this universe... Because my ex decided to share only the info that would make him the victim....  But the truth is...  it takes 2 to tango .....  it takes 2 to fuck everything up... not one---  but 2!!!!!

With that said...  before I get to know you ... I don't trust you.. even if I do get to know you, I still would not trust you.... .. Bring wine over.... Friends for life........ Namaste

Monday, April 24, 2017

Future...

All you know I write about what I feel about writing about. There  is no flow to my writings... I just write..... And If I get one more email/ message about-  I should be careful what I say, because it could be hurtful or mean, or to open minded... Why?   is my questions? ...

But past few days, I have one thought heavily weighting me down...   Sometimes I choose to suppress it. Sometimes I cry  because of this thought... Sometimes. I look up in to sky and say--- Why am I still dealing with these feelings..... ... And answer every time is...  "Because, you still have something to learn...."...


Even today when I started writing, I absolutely completely forgot , what I was supposed to write. My mind was traveling thousands of miles per second - how can I pay my bills, How, can I meet all my friends in estonia, HOW I could be the best person here in USA to my friends, and HOW I can recognize best of me one of these days...


But one of the most horrible thoughts has never left my mind.... Our offspring... Our kids... Our blood...  Our  everything...


And the most upsetting though on my mind now is...  We don't exactly know the moment we get pregnant... But when we find out, It could be the SCARIEST moment, or the happiest..

I had 2 beautiful pregnancies and , 2 successful births ...  I have amazing almost 16 year old... and I have Forever 10 baby girl, who would turn 18 this year....

From the moment you were born.. NO one  prepares you for life...  Your parents teach you what they know the best, and one day when you fly out of your parents house... YOU find out there are millions of other ways of living....  The moment you give birth to your kids, you NEVER think about loosing them before you..  And when you do loose them at age, they r not supposed to leave this planet.... I started questioning everything in my life.... And I started questioning Relationships in my life as well...


 And fast forward to now.... All I have to say is.... I am still figuring shit out and It is the most amazing feeling to do this...  It feels good to be aware. It feels good to be accepting and empathetic, and caring, but still staying true to yourself.....

One thing I would never ever do is to live according to someone  else's reality...


Meet me halfway Baby.....

I will be 39 in couple of weeks...  For some females this is the number they would settle... For me it is the number... I MADE IT!!!!   I had few moments in my life, I did not want to  MAKE IT!!!!... I pulled through, and I will keep pulling through...

I will find plenty of reasons to wake up every morning and smile ...and ... LIVE at least another  30 years.... :)  


I have to reinvent myself once again..... It is tiring , and taxing,  confusing... but  once again... I AM DOING IT !!!!!     And it fucking hurts......

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Im back...

Fuck... Excuse my Estonian...

So, past 17 days, I have been living in my own beautiful new place.  I am beyond happy with apartment complex I chose to to be my home... It is beautiful, it is clean, It is friendly, it is contemporary, hip.. It is like living in a hotel.. BUT without room service... Everything is in here... Even free morning coffee... I just walk to office, and get my cup of Joe...

  My place is small... just 750 sq/ft. just one bedroom bathroom.. living kitchen area and small balcony... and bonus- washer drier in my room...  I love my place...  ANd I LOVE management over here. :)

It is not mile from beach - as I wanted , but it is 6 miles .. and it is only half a mile where everything is , so most nights I walk to barnes and noble to read a magazine or a book...

Price vise... it is expensive compared to china or estonia...  I pay 1945 dollars per month for just apartment ... then extra is gas, water, electricity, parcel, cable, internet, cell,etc.. so lets add about 600 dollars to that 1945.... and then tax...  for living it is about 2700... and then for food and fun lets add other 2000.. so to survive I have to come up monthly 4700... to round it is about 5000.

It is not easy at this moment in my life...  I have to come up with 3000 each month on my own, and at this moment it is not easy... about twice a week I get to sleep most about 8 hours and once in blue moon I get to sleep 12 hours - IF i fall asleep.. in general... 4-5 hours... and then -- i am awake and stressed...


I mentioned numbers because lot of people do not realize, what it means to live in this area.. and where I live, is not THE most expensive.... MY apartment , then full gym( latest equipment), amazing club house,  junior pool, bbq area, 2 hot tubs, and then another smaller pool, and  lounge area.... all included in this price...  IT IS JUST  ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT.... if you are interested where I live , check out http://www.sheaapartments.com/apartments/vantis/


I am living my dream life on a budget....  Alone...  This year- me and myself and I finally agreed to live fulfilling life on our own.  But there Is major but or MHMHMHHHHHMMMM ...  I am not giving up sex...

MYSELF.. I know -I am better person when I have equally messed up King next to me. I know I have tons to give, and at this time and age I have learned to give it all to me :)

Don't get me wrong.. I have not given up on love...  I am just bored with dating... I am bored Dressing up my 180 pounds  of MEEEEE...and what I see on dates. is.... wow.. you have beautiful eyes... ( I do have them)..  LOVE your manicure and pedicure....   Which pretty much tells me... you just want to have a bitch who can take care of themselves, because you cant afford that....

So my question to men is.. WHAT CAN YOU AFFORD?    When will you stop bitching to your friends  about your your NOT SO BASIC BITCH?

 LET me rephrase that... You see us on our first meeting.. all dressed up, hair done, nails done... Make up done...  New dress...purse, shoes....   etc...  JUST first date for us woman costs about minimum 300bdollars...  MINIMUM.... --- I call it a budget bitch.......  nails- pedi/mani- 90 dollars... and dont even talk about the rest...

I don't go to dates anymore...  I actually stopped few months ago...

I chose food .. and wine...  No more feelings involved...

Saturday, April 1, 2017

04.01.2017

Not a joke....  I  am not joking...  I made shit happen...  MARCH  30th, 2017.... marks new era in my life...  Got my new place on my own... .. well. I did help my Real estate agent a little ... wink wink... but I am finally in my new apt.. Brand new...   Just straight out of an oven... New.. fresh.. and perfect for me...  Shea apartments is amazing...  I visited this place once,,, and then briefly second time... and  all of a sudden  management and workers here knew my name... ..  I was blown away.....

I lived under IRVINE whatever .. blah blha blah.. for  almost 8 months... they could not remember where I lived, and so on.. and my rent was 1600 dollars more than now... Well it was not last year, but they pumped my rent from 2700 to 3800 ... yes......    Please do not say it is impossible.......'


 SO... I left, thanks to amazing peeps who kept my up to speed what was happening, I found me home....   It is perfect for me.. just 745 sq/ft... and for 1945 dollars per month... brand new...   oh please.. yes... ..Give it to me, and I will accept... i have been here only for 2 days ..  and never felt anywhere more home than here... gym, pool,  neighborhood,  common space, cross the street hotels. gym    aliso viejo Town center with its- opah, stadium brewery, movie theater, TJ MAXX, and so on... and not to mention tons of hiking trails...  I am learning to re love this  hood because i was afraid to stay here.....   And now that I am back in here...  I am glad I am back.. I see Regina everywhere....And I think  She wanted me to be here... we had the HAPPIEST moments here... Her friends are here... Her life is here....... And now... finally . after all these years... Me... the person She chose to be her MOM is here again....  I am back home....

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Interesting...

I got 2 private emails and one comment telling me to stop writing when I am drunk....  I also got someone reporting my blog.

So, what I want to tell You know is.. If you don't want to read this blog, please don't...     I do not know who you are, or why you are so angry at me... But please , do me a favor and  leave, if something I write gets under your skin......


with that said...

OMG...


 Everything is set for my move...   I got moving company,  I have paid all fees, told  my complex - I will be out on certain date,  ...  Only 2 things I can not do is to  start my southern cali. edison, and Gas company... They require  10  notification of starting  new service....

 It has been  adrenaline filled couple of weeks... but  ... It is so easy...  It is scary thought at first that I can not do this... But when You are actually doing it.. It is so empowering..  Again.. it is hard to explain why..

One thing all of you have to remember is... I am finally doing it on my own... There is no husband, there is no boyfriend... There is no back up plan... It is just me...   And every time I get approved for something ... I cry silent happy tears...

 I am strong person  in general.. But I have my weak moments and we all should have them...  

For years I did not show them... and I am finally getting to that point  with thought....--- I am who I am...  and I have right to be vulnerable and cry... and scream... but I also know... I am the one who has to pick me up....  No short cuts...

I am emotional basket case right now...   And I have every right to be.


more to come....... xoxo

Sunday, March 12, 2017

YEYYYYYYEYEYYEYEYE #HAPPY!!!!

 I don't know how to explain the way I feel right now...   Because it is one of those days, I got new feeling added to my feelings tribe.

Feeling of freedom.... Feeling "chill" finally. It is cool adult kind of feeling... Meaning -  I am finally responsible for all of my shit....

I am still not completely free from my past chains. But life has been good to me, and  I should never complain again...

 With that said ....

I just rented me my ..... wait for it......  God Is God.....     MY very first own place  with out co renters help.

 WHat I mean by it  is... I was married for years... I divorced in china.. I never had a job in USA... and Now I have been back in here for few months.. ANd finding my way.. And it has been hardest process ever..    To the point I feel   that I have to prove myself again everywhere as an individual.... And it is empowering...

Few of my "people" , or as they wished to call me have tried to rush my process... But never rush this process... What is meant to happen will happen... It is given...  I am guilty of dismissing the signs as well....  But when one is mentally , spiritually, aware...  Things start to happen you never thought will happen....

 I am 38 and am just starting to live my life....    LIVE with purpose that is....  


Some get it at early age... But for me...  finding myself has been complicated journey......  

I am not going to say much more about it now.....  We all have lives that make sense at one point.....    I know what is my purpose... I  have not figured out yet how i can utilize it....   .


 Patience dear...


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Lent

Well, I am not Catholic.     But every year I do something for lent...  This year it actually started perfect... Could not be a better beginning for it...
My amazing ex came and F I N A L L Y removed truck full of his belongings from my condo...    Feeling of seeing it all go was  freeing...  One of best days I have had for a long time.  I waited for it for over a month.   I wish him best , and hope he finds what he is looking for. .... So with that said...

Today..   I removed dating/Hook up apps Tinder and Bumble from my  cell.   I met few people through it and they were great lessons. ANd I am grateful for it.  So now.  All I really am concentrating at is  finding me that spot that screams my name.  And that was one more good thing about it.

Few weeks ago I got a notice from my   Shadow oaks  community that my lease is up in April and they are rising the lease IF I commit to 14 month lease to almost 3400 dollars ( my lease now is 2800)....  AND if I want to pay month to month it is 3800 dollars... Which is 1000 dollar increase...  It is insane right ?   TOday.  I had management come in and examine my place..  First of all I love SHADOW OAKS.. Management is great, service is great,  apartments are awesome ..   It is just perfect... But price is  not.....  So , the guy comes in and says,  all I am checking right now is HOLES IN THE WALLS... and my response was... I AM NOT that violent YET>.......  He started laughing...

I got lucky.. they are giving back whole   deposit - which is 6000 dollars... because they are going to remodel WHOLE  apartment... and now i understand why rise for my spot was so much.... THEY really wanted me out... Smart asses......

Now I am on a hunt  for new places.... ANd I am all over the place... I just have to find something that feels home, and where I feel safe.  That is pretty much it... I want something 1 bedroom or studio....  Something intimate and small. Maybe 2 bedroom is ok too, because if friends come to visit...   Will make it work for me :D

I literally am so excited...   I can't wait to walk through doors of my space and say... THIS IS  WHERE I BELONG!!!   I have had it happen to me before.... ( I miss my china apartment )      I want to put pictures on walls...   by rods to hang up curtains,   buy a  crazy patterned rug...  and    Nespresso Machine....   I love Nespresso....


After I get it.. I will find a job that makes me happy :D    And I already feel it...    As much as I love kids... I am getting tired of babysitting  ...   NOt really sitting  kids, but dealing with parents.   I guess it is OC/CA thing....  everybody is gluten free,   wants to be better than neighbors,    chat about their plastic surgeons, and for FUCKS sake if one haven't had one surgery-- one must be poor to afford one....  So after I  settle, take couple of trips here and there... I gonna  be Gangsta and work 24/7   ...  this  past 6 months I was just settling "in"... Getting accustomed to  culture again,  learning to smile to people, and not yell at them... YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE....


 And  in a nutshell that is it...
 
I am reading my Bible every day, I get my morning confirmations,    I intimidate some people, some people intimidate me... But in the end of the day.. I am so HAPPY.


.. But so much has happened.....  so much... and I can't write it about it now...   God is great.    Peace, love, respect....

Monday, February 20, 2017

Friday, February 10, 2017

And?

Today I did almost 5 hours of babysitting.   I am using couple of websites to get babysitting jobs.  And I don't mind doing it. Families  in a area where I live are nice and kids are mostly well behaved.  And it is more money than starting in retail or restaurant business.  But  as one of my good friends stated..   I have not  giving my 100%.   And I understand what she means.

I have been thinking about lot of crazy things...  A LOT... crazies one  is moving to somewhere I have never lived before...   I don't know why it is such a crazy thought, but it just  speaks to me.   I really want to live near beach.. Near water, or complete opposite is somewhere in mountains-  in a log house...  Just minding my own business.    But still.. near lake, quiet , still...   Just silence...  ;) Big bear would not be such a bad idea....

I wish people would stop telling me what to do... YES, advise me  or guide me, but please , don't tell me what to do....   Tell me you are here for me, tell me I will get hurt... But don't tell me  what to do......  You are not paying my bills, you are not waking up every morning in my bed, and you are not definitely living in my skin.   You live close to my heart, and there are only few of you whose Advice I would take...  And you know who you are...

In this blog I write down my good thoughts and my bad thoughts... SOme days I am frustrated  and  other  days I am ready to take the world.. Some days I feel handy capped, and maybe few days after  I feel like a rock star...  We all have our days...

 Past few weeks have been interesting , and past couple of weeks have been hard.  ANd valentines day approaching, and  memories of kids being young and enjoying it.. is hitting hard again, and the fact... I don't think I have had valentines date for years...    So valentines day for me is cursed...

It will be me most likely babysitting kids.. then coming home, making me something yummy to eat... and then  going to bed Just like every other day.

I tell myself every day... Treat yourself well Gurrl... And I am doing it.  As horrible as some people have treated me...  I have to forgive them. ....  sooner the better....   and I have to forgive myself for allowing someone to treat me in a ill mannered way. .
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."...


Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Yaiks.... SUre... why not...

This is my latest motto... WHY NOT? WHY not jump head first into unknown again, I have done it all my life.  And as much as most of you would love to scold me for my decisions... SEE where it all has taken me...  I  had pretty damn amazing adventures in my  short life.  My closest friends know all my heartbreaks, and struggles, but they also have to see, the stories I have made for my tree of life.... Stories I would not have been able to make, if I did not take stupid  learning experiences....


 ANd I am craving more.  I hate to admit it, but I realized I am adrenaline junky. NOT doing roller coaster rides, or sky diving, but   chasing the high or unknown.... while, keeping my 2 feet on this ground...  Yes, it does sound naive, but it works for me.

WHile I am writing, I am still staring at my ceiling of row of 3 lights that are not aligned right... ANd I am fucking paying almost 3000 dollars for this apt... THese lights are driving me insane... Just like  I drive myself insane, when there is something out of order in my life...  Internally....  Right now I am fine.. more than fine....

B U T...

SO many people have told me, " Well, you have to know yourself by now?"  You should be remarried  and living the life .. blah blah blah... It is all bullshit....

And I am like.. SURE.. .I do know who I AM...  I am PERSON...  I am MEEE...  ANd
same time, I never want to limit myself to be that ONE ME.. There are so many amazing sides to me, and they are all good sides..  And one day...  When I ace what I was meant to do, ( besides being awesome ),   The ONE will find  me ..  And the life we will make will be extraordinary.....

Ordinary is not a word  in my vocabulary...


Hi, My name is Extraordinary Hot mess. What is your name again?


Sunday, February 5, 2017

What is it?

 I have been holding back with writing for a while.. Not because I have nothing to say.  I DO,  I do  have tons to say, but why should I say something during times it is just words.......  And I don't want to mistake my words and feelings...So I just did my thing...  stayed away...


I am confused again ... And I have been thinking and listening to my  friends.... Listening- meaning gathering wisdoms they give me - FROM , their current reality ... and wisdoms, and experiences..... that match with my reality. But It still makes no sense for me....

Because in my opinion  we only  hear what we want to hear from our current mental status....   And  we grow only from what comes from us... Making tons of amazing learning lessons..

Please learn.. .Please, cry, feel vulnerable... BUT ONE THING NEVER FEEL... don't feel like you cant turn to your friends with your worries... .. Even thought they might not agree with your current situation...  THey are still your friends..

SO what they have not suck  one amazing dick for months... They are still your friends... Maybe they did it week ago, maybe they have never done it... Depending of their orientation...  SO...   Keep them in mind when you are going through rough patch.......  It helps...

AND .. if you don't know who your friends are... Tell them about sucking dick.. ANd if they tell you FUCK OFF..... they ain't your friends ;) or they they just need more time accepting who you are....

Love.. Di...



Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Independence...

Independence as it is.. OR maybe I am  tiny bit of an major a hole...  I don t know..

One thing for sue.. I will  not allow anyone disrespect me  in any form...  anymore....  It may take me few  takes this time and age, but not years .. not like before...

 One strike is enough... after initial gut feeling kicks in...

Problem is gut feeling is not enough... Well, it is enough to one to walk away, but physical proof is what makes your gut feeling solid...  But do I really need to prove the other half these days, he  cheated..... or he did something wrong?

 Walking away will be enough....  But nice person in me will always  seek what I should not be seeking...


PEACE.....

Peace in me is amazing....   Now I  finally reached that point... peace in you, is your business....


Namaste... or  fucawaysta....
...


Sunday, January 29, 2017

Happy Year of the ROoster....

 How many more celebrations and how many new years will be there this year?  Asian, middle eastern, western,  and so on... I am done.... I am not complaining,  I'm just stating the fact... I Celebrate whatever what works for me...  Only 2 important dates  I will be celebrating is -my birthday and our Lord and savior's birthday. So there ya go... Just saying....

But on a serious note...  I create drama... For myself...  I suck at love......
 drama that is unnecessary.  I am in love, and  I love, and I care and I worry...--- And all that is catered towards one person.  

But how one meets one in the middle when both sides have had lives that have molded them the way they are...

How to compromise ?

...

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Good days bad days, and other days....

meaning .. Boring DAYS...  Long walk 11.000 steps.
Cleaning
Cooking
 and that is about it... Feeling like total bum today..... don't feel like doing anything whatsoever... yaiks....

I need couple of hobbies..
ALso.. Amazon is driving me crazy....  One item I ordered came defected... I contacted them, and I  got response back from them, we conversed,  i sent pics of product and packaging and shit...AND suddenly they stopped talking to me... I am pissed... so pissed... Drives me crazy when they promised to refund it, but there is no course of action from their behalf...

But breathing in and out and in again ..

 Fuck this shit I say... also... got a horrible feeling...  I get those once in a while...   And I have had it couple of days... My intuition is always right  ... Just time will tell whats up... Just hate those yucky feeling in me...

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Though of the day...

One of my friends posted quote today, "I you are not doing what you love, you are wasting your time."

Well, to answer  to this...  Most of us will never be able to do 100% what we love... So far... I have pretty damn amazing sex life with someone I love ... So, I am not wasting my time...   And working towards, getting the jobs I love... All will happen when time is right.....


SO.. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing and loving it.... ;)


#peace

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Interesting.... just interesting....

Relationships..   I don't even know from where to start.   I have whole bunch of friends who are in relationships, and even though everything seems to be fine and guy is great, there is still some things that keep popping up. Like for instance.... Guy brings flowers, takes you out for a lunch--- but , BUT, BUT, he keeps liking half naked girls on instagram..   OR guy keeps pointing out every hot female in public, but does not have any social media sites...  BUT in general- guy is great, nice, friendly,  attentive... SO...    BUT AGAIn, points out every hot female who walks past him...

IMO, I don't mind it. Myself I do the same, if super hot dude, that smells good walks past me, I LOOK.. I even took a second look.. NOT because I want him, but  because beautiful people are beautiful to look at and I once read, that   staring at beautiful things can  add years to your life.

Now fast forward to  my world.....

I am very shy outgoing person... I don't know if these 2 even can be used in same sentence but that is how i feel about myself.    I am shy at first, but when I get to know you , i leave my shyness behind and I will give you my all. That is how I operate....  So this amazing guy that I have in my life right now...  He is in so many way similar to me.  quiet, but same time the best conversationalist I have had for a long time.  I could talk to him about anything and he always says the right thing.  Just amazing... But same time. there are some things that make me go .. interesting.... God has very funny sense of humor.. TOOO FUNNY....

 I prayed for a great guy for me, and I truly did get  amazing person... But here are some buts...

lets start BUT number one..
*I love wine-  HE does not drink any alcohol
*I love going out   once in a while- HE prefers indoors (  I have good girlfriends to tag along if want to go out, no biggy)
* I am foody, and love experimenting with foods and different flavors- HIS taste is pretty "vanilla", very simple.. There is nothing wrong with that, I just can't take him to  restaurants that serve adventurous food, and I have to be careful myself what to cook.... lol  thats a tough task
* I love to cuddle all the time- He is more independent in that sense... ( but I get my cuddles when needed ;)
*  I love to listen loud music all through out the day- NOW I am toning down, because I actually have to respect our space ....( yes, I am no longer single)
*  I LOVE to hold hands in public and public affection in general- BUT he is again little more SHY when it comes to it...

There are few more little things here and there, but in general.. I AM SO HAPPY..
Why I think that life has funny sense or humor is because... HE is the man I need in my life 100%.. Fuck it... even 200%... He is everything that  Is lacking in my life right now... He mellows me out and calms my spirit, and wants me to be so much better person than I was before I met him..  I was good person to start with, but because of him, i want to be even better .. .Is that even possible... I really don't know... It is surreal how things can change overnight...  He is amazing.

Of course there are little things I have to get used to about him, but we all have our little issues other person has to deal with.. I can do it.   He is soooo right in so many levels...  He does not even have to say anything and I already understand him.. But I still bug him with annoying questions all the time:)... ( yeah, we woman can be super annoying)

He locked me down..... damn... He is insanely smart , and charming, and handsome and sexy... And so charismatic... everybody who meets him, fall in love with him. Well, that could be a bad thing... lol

SO anyways..   I know I am in good hands... I just have to get over few issues and  We will be just fine.  I LOVE my smart MAN....

So..  Time will tell. What I wrote about is not it... Challenges  that matter the most are around the corner, and  I am trying to figure out if I will be part of those, or I will be pushed aside..... will see.... xo

Monday, January 2, 2017

Happy New Year!!!!!

HAPPY, HAPPY NEW YEAR

I had pretty damn good  Night . Spent it with Friends who matter .  TO bad , all my besties are all over this world and we could not be under the same roof.  But wherever you are my Dear friends... You are always on my mind...   you are always on my mind... Also wish my hot and smart boyfriend was with me celebrating, but he had made plans long time  before we became an item. Which is ok.   Will get to see him very soon... YEYYY. I am not single anymore..   And I haven't been for a while.... SO in love and happy. :)


 I really did not make any resolutions for this year.  Just want to live healthier lifestyle, so cutting out alcohol a loooot... A LOOOOOOTTTTTT. And in general want to take better care of myself.   Somehow it just clicked, that I need to love myself much more than I did before. And after I felt that way, and click happened,   I just became happier myself.   Makes sense.  And right then happy person walked into my life and claimed me....    Its a miracle.....

In general I live in some sort of colorful dream, where color PURPLE dominates...   I feel calmness when I surround myself with purple, and wherever I go I get so many smiles and comments out of people about my general presence... I could be walking on street and someone just stops and starts chatting with me . I love new and improved happy me :D


 I am feeling that couple of my dreams are coming true this year... ANd I will do anything to give it a little push to start with that .... xo