Today something weird happened to me. I can't explain it. I woke up and I did not have the best feeling about my day. So, I decided to stay in, and luckily weather co operated with me because pollution was just the worst. I stayed in, did some reading, and put on music and worked out for few songs, made my breakfast lunch. And then worked out little more.. Well, I have to push harder. After I quit smoking, I became little fatty, and at my age, weight is not melting off that quick. Looks, like Im gaining while trying to loose weight, and Im not even eating sugars, low carb content, not even going parties these days. I am completely happy in my own little world... As I finished with my work out around 4pm. I suddenly felt this huge cloud over my head, and I felt like I could not breathe. I took little breaths, I laid down, kept breathing in and out but nothing worked. And then all of a sudden I started crying out of nowhere, and nothing could stop my tears. Nothing. I was just laying on floor staring my ceiling and crying.. I felt like walls were closing in . It was most terrifing feeling ever. I was unable to move. I could not calm myself down... I tried to go to my safe thoughts , it got even worse. and then I knew I was having panic attack.
And thoughts slowly started coming to me one after another one. First one was.. Yesterday I woke up with numb left hand fingers.. First I thought I was having heart attack, but soon I realized I injured my back at gym day before and most likely it was pinched nerve.. My hand was so numb , I could not hold a tooth brush. That how numb my fingers were, but as day progressed , it got better and better...
And then I finally allowed my feelings talk to me. I had damn deep conversations with myself. So deep, I went like - DAMN DIANA, you fucked up. Get a grip of yourself. You r taurus... STRRRONG and stubborn, and nothing will ever happen to you. Do your thing.. Don't panic, you have control over everything.. And at that moment I told myself those words-- I AM IN CONTROL, i started calming down. And I was on my way back to light me. We all have breaking points , and I had one of them today on my own.
What I did not realize at a moment was why-- I am living the best life ever, Next to me is the Man I have ever wished for, and we found each other. I have amazing son who is doing great in school, and supportive ex husband. My friends are here for me whenever I need them, and I do my best to be there for them. And GIving up some bad habits I attracted something amazing to my life... I attracted LOVE I have never ever experienced before. At my age. haha. At my age.. WHo knew I was able to love without restrictions , without judgment. I am sure what made me panic was.. WHAT IF I FUCK IT UP AGAIN.... Because I felt like every relationship I ever had.. It was me. who did everything to make something crack...
And I thought to myself, am I enough? and if I am not, will I be ok...
Anyway... overthinking kicked in.
Was not good. It was the worst thought one can have. You are always enough. ALWAYS.
And everything will be perfect. To the T. I am strrrong and I an handle anything to the core.
Love makes us vulnerable. And I am mushy because I allow myself to feel all these feelings. I allow myself to be in love and love. I love it. It is struggle, but I am perfecting it. We flow, we the Ying and Yangzta, Can't imagine my life without him. Strong words.. And it scary even for a second to think-- he will be gone...
I don't have any baggage from my past. My son Is my jewel, My ex husband is in happy relationship and expects baby number 2. I have no drama in my life. Everything is peaceful. The moment I met K, I cleared everything away.. I have my friends, but most times I even have no desire to chat with them. Just one in Estonia, one in Columbia, one in CHina and couple of them in Amazing California.
Anyways.. I almost thought I gonna die today. Panic attack was insane.. I just felt something in me I have not felt in years... FOR years... My last panic attack literally was years ago, after my ex announced he wants divorce... That was my last panic attac... ANd now I had it for totally different reasons...
Interesting. I should not be worried at all... We got this. And future looks bright...
Just breathe Diana... And don't overthink.. Put it out there to universe, what you need, and it comes to you... Keep thriving.. Keep living, Keep dreaming.. STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF.. And you will never have to doubt anything in your life...
Im fine now...
xoxoxo
ALSO.. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE share and donate if you can. This topic is close to my heart.. Change will not come now.. But with right funding, mountains can be moved....
Just love...
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