Thursday, September 22, 2016

Wohooo.

It has been hell of a 22 days in California.. Friends, tears, laughter, confusion,  WTF moments , and plenty- let me just roll my eyes  moments...

Today I did something I have been scared to death to do...  Thanks to my friend, I signed up to do pilates..  I don't even know why I did it, but she was so convincing ( because she is fucking Gemini).. SO  I signed up, and showed up. ANd the moment I showed up, I almost excused myself and ran away.  In my mind I was like.. NO FUCKING WAY, I am going to use that table to get myself to get the best shape of my life...  THAT table looked worse than birthing table at hospital... or Tables at abortion clinics...    WHen you give birth you just push few times and its over,,,,, abortion clinic ,you get amazing drugs, lie at the table, stare at the ceiling, and then its over... ONLY work you have to do is deal with your emotions after that...  

I am sure my facial expression at the room was like- WTF  I ain't doing this... It looks like I am going to hurt myself and will never ever recover from it...  I was horrified... ANd then I saw all fucking fit  mellow bitches walking in with faces like_ WE LOVE IT, this is peace of cake... ..... And I was standing there like... SURE....   I got this too.. WATCH ME.. I GOT THIS...

AND then,  Boss lady, put on her microphone turned on music and everyone took positions like they were pros... ANd I was just faking it...

 BUT, this faking IT was not that easy... I actually had to put on some work...   Well, it is easy to fake an orgasm, if guy is horrible... Just flex some cervix muscles, make some uuhh, ooh sounds and  pretend like you are having a good time......     THIS PILATES WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE FAKE IT TILL MAKE IT....  NO WAYZA...

 I actually had to commit to it for 50 minutes...      Are you kidding me  50 fucking minutes of pain....   But the same time, all I heard in my ears was instructors soft voice.....  CORDS are not on control, you are on control, YOu are controlling your moves.... Take charge girls...  You got this.....

And she was fucking right... I got this...  At one point I thought I am going to pass out.... So I just stepped off the table, and took a breather... But then I heard that voice again-- AND I FOR SURE GOT THAT SHIT...

And when it was done...  I just stood there for a moment, and thought to myself...  What the fuck did I just do?  DID I really last for that long, and I finished it? ME , are you serious?   I almost split myself in half, almost threw up, almost cried- but I kept pushing and finished it... With little whoopsy doopsy dooos here and there.. but I did it... ANd In my mind I was doing the best happy dance I could do.

I still hated my friend because she said it would be fun.......  And now I know what she meant... Rest of my day was fun... I was energized( but in pain) , I was happy( but in pain), I was singing ( still in pain)... And most important thing... I can't wait to go back and have another 50 minutes of pure pleasure...  

I am in control......

Peace, love , happiness and light to you all....

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Happy Birthday Angel Regina.

It is ok not to be ok. It is ok to cry, and it is ok to mourn even after years when your child has passed away.  Regina has never left my  mind.  She will always be part of me, and I will always think about her, but hardest time I ever have is in September.

She was born on 19th of september on 1999, and she passed away in september 20th, 2009 . So September is not a good month. 
Miss her laugh, miss her jokes, miss her giggles,  miss her hugs, miss reading her books before bedtime, miss going shopping with her, miss telling her to stop being a drama queen, miss the way she loved to cuddle with me, miss how she smelled.......  Miss comforting her, mis taking care of her... I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT HER....
I MISS MY DAUGHTER..

7 years have passed since I last told her I love you. 7 years have passed since I heard her laughter , 7 years have passed since I last held her in my arms. 7 years have passed since We lost her.

7 years have passed since I stopped giving a crap ..

Nothing compares to loosing a child you gave birth to.Nothing.   I have moved on from it, but I will always remember the sleepless nights and fear and tears.  I remember arguments with doctors , nurses, and caregivers and with my ex husband.... And I always remember how guilty I felt because I could not give equal amount of attention to Gabriel.... My son.

But It all started way before 7 years ago... It all started in march 2004 when we started running from doctor to doctor to find out what is wrong with our little girl... And no one had an answer.  Top doctors in orange county even started calling me paranoid and told me to stop worrying , because they thought it was just some weird strain of virus....  But we never did give up. 

 And now here I am... Missing her more than I have ever  missed anyone else. And with every passing year- missing her does not get less. I almost feel like, I miss her more.  And I am not ok.  

Pain is excruciating and only parents who have lost a child will understand it. You will never be the same, but you pretend to be ok.  And it will work for a while, but then  again, there are relapses around important dates.  Just like now...  september 19th is her birthday, and I am broken inside.   I think I am even more than broken.... I feel like  I'm in middle of dessert alone, naked, screaming for help... and feeling like help will never arrive.  It is horrible feeling.   But I know in few days this feeling too shall pass. But only for a moment... I just have to deal with it. I have to distract myself so I would not be complete mess. And that is challenge... I want to be complete mess sometimes... I have been complete mess in past... SO , please can I be again?   People get to be complete messes when their boyfriends or husbands leave them... Only advice we get is.. hey... there are plenty men out there for you... Suck it in and move on...
But when your child dies..... there are no right things to say... You can't say... hey... MOVE ON, she died... go and adopt another one... there are plenty kids who need your love.
..NOOOOO...  no one  will replace your child.  
Pain does get little better with time, but memories will remain.  And Memories we have  made as family, make me smile, and it lessens the pain....  But life will never be the same....

Missing my Girl...  
one day we will meet again

xoxoxoxo 








Monday, September 12, 2016

Another day in paradise....

And I am slowly starting to adapt to this new life of mine. I still don't have my own place, and I am grateful of my friend Julee who I contacted 20 hours before I arrived to usa to tell her-- I NEED A PLACE.. CAN I CRASH YOURS.....  And she did allow me to do so.   I am crashing it, and I feel horrible about it.   She has the most amazing spirit about her, and the way she ( and her ex) has been helping our family is just mind blowing.   And now here I am, crashing her crib, trying to make sense of it all, because it all still feels like a dream to me.  But I am here.  What I am trying to say is. I don't know what I have done right in my life.   Because at times it feels , everything I have done has lead to disaster, but then I look at my friends  i get grounded....  Maire  and Steve and their children-  I don't know how they can be so welcoming and trusting  all the time.. They have seen me as complete mess and still accept me as I am...   Kadi-  chats we have  person to person or on cell....  I constantly laugh,  Xochitl - our friendship has suffered tons because we are  on different paths of life and I feel like she  does not get me that well anymore... I am different person than I was 7 years when I moved away....  But we are still lingering there, and I hope we can save our friendship ...  My new  friends B&K... Every time I visit their restaurant in Van nuys - I just laugh my butt off..  and messages I get from them are very up lifting.  My Estonian Family and friends...   I don't feel Estonian at all.  I stopped feeling Estonian long time ago, but there is still bond, and When I chat with my bestie over there  I wish I was closer to her, so we could just sit and chat and i could hear her wisdoms..

I think we all are strong-- but sometimes when we do  have our weak moments  and then  we need someone who is stronger  than us at that given  moment...   the one Who can tell us,- you got this, you are the QB, you  thrive, you are the platinum B...  we all need to hear it all the time...    SO I am more than grateful , I have my girls and guys  who keep me grounded . And That is more than enough.

 I almost forgot why I started writing today.. I just had so many thoughts in my head... TO many..  Unraveling all over the place...  Almost got lost in my own mind.... But my point is.. You attract what is meant for you... And I am so happy, that all I have attracted are calm peaceful strong minds... And if I did not have them,, I'd be lost...

 And  When time is right... Person who would be  my mirror would take charge and claim me.. That is the only thing that is missing in my life right now...  My equal .   Because, I am tired of making myself laugh all the time, every time....

Sunday, September 11, 2016

I have arrived...

I had known  for a long time that my ex husband was planning to travel to California on August 30.   And I had already purchased tickets to move permanently to SoCal on 9/11 .   We just kept chatting about  our son being with me during that 10 day trip he is over in cali. And of course I told him, I will take care of our boy in  china....  I am his momma, and  whatever he needs something, or whenever he needs me I will be there for him.  

So day before his trip my ex texted me and  told me his travel details. We always do that to each other, because we have one amazing son  who needs both of his parents.. And if something would happen ether of us during our travels,  we would know exactly what is going on.   We have reached different kind of love and respect.   And it is how it is supposed to be.

So anyways,   He texted me and says he takes of   in about 12 hours... I told him... It would be amazing, if Gabriel and I would be too in usa for our last trip together, because I am not going to see my son for a year....     It was just a thought. I did not expect anything to happen...  As you know, I already had my tickets..  I knew that I would be with my son no matter what those 10 days before I travel to usa.  But it all is little fucked up.... Hangzhou was hosting G20 ( google if you don't know what it is) and because of this event, my Hangzhou is dead- empty, people are sent out of city, schools , restaurants, bars are closed... there is nothing for us to do.... My son and I would just hang in our apartment and stare our computers with stoned faces. But is that how do you wan't to spend your last days with your  blood? NO... But then again, my mind was set on I would make these last 10 days the best days....

  And then... after I told him, that , HEY, would be great, he paused and said. Let me  check something....  And he did check something, and 2 hours later. We all had our tickets to fly to  USA..
 I cancelled my 9/11 ticket,  packed my last suitcase, and i was ready to  leave china...  

I could not hold back my tears. I cried all night. I cried due to multiple reasons.   Biggest reason was- I knew I will not be able to see my amazing son Gabriel till summer 2017.  I started to feel like a failure. Because sons always need their moms.  I was always near by. Never missed his concerts, never missed his parent teacher conferences, never missed any milestones in his life... ANd now here I am.. I am going to miss his face.....  In stage.. Performing, ... seeking for my face in the sea of moms and dads... ANd I am not there... Will he hate me? Will he hold it against me in future? Will he  keep his feelings downlow and become rebellious teenager?    I had to many questions.....

 And while I was thinking all about those questions. I fell asleep briefly... Maybe for 4 hours... ANd then it was time to get my ass up and  stare my mirror....  Person who stared back at me, I did not like... She was scared, she was sad, she was overwhelmed, she was not herself at that moment......  I could not even look at myself... I was so scared..


 At age 38 you are not supposed to be scared.. You supposed to be strong independent woman . Right?  The ones society keeps talking about....
ANyway...  I am actually that SIW.  Oh hell yeah I am.  Give birth to 2 amazing kids. Watch Jesus claim one at age 10..... Divorce few year later. And Now  LEAVE my son to CHINA, with my ex, who is great father.. BTW.... Please don't call him dead beat dad. He  ain't that...   SO... Everything really comes in trees.... 3 worst things in my life have happened.... Loosing my daughter, loosing my marriage, and walking away from my son...    FYI-- single female in late 30s has nothing to do in china... after her mission is completed.... Get out....  I never planed to apart from my son... But I realized...  I wan't to be in strong loving relationship.. And I don't want to do it in china..  HANGZHOU.... No quality singles...  for my caliber...  There area quality people... BUT . Asia is not my final destination..... SO...  Gabriel is 15 now.  He is smart, talented and ready to take this world by storm.  He knows, his mother and father love him, and one day , his step siblings will look up to him.  He is rolemodel to so many people... Loose a sister at age 8 can't be easy... His sister was his best friend and mentor....   And I can only imagine how much he is still to this day is hurting inside....   And hopefully one day, He can do make a difference in many peoples lives.  and I am sure, he already has.... :)


 SO now... I am here...  Scared.  and uncertain what future holds. But I still have my dreams...  I am still daredevil.... WHo the fuck would just say... HEY... I am moving now.. .and here I am... Still work in progress.  And hopefully one day, there will be person next to me who would kiss me good morning   every mornings- With love in his eyes.


Till then .. I just work on myself, creating my own empire,  and staying 110% honest with who I am .  Because if you don't know who you are, how do you know who are people surrounding you.....  


XO.. to be continued..... Stay amazing... More love is on its way....

Monday, August 22, 2016

One step at a time.

 One of my favorite sayings is-"Life has a funny sense of humor."  Why I say it is because  is, I have everything great happening in my life. I really have nothing to complain about. And for a split second, meaning for about 7 months I had about everything I had ever wished for.  Great life, good friends, roof over head, food on table, and man I loved with all my heart...  To be honest I still love him.   And wish him all the best in life, and I hope he finds what it is he is searching for. But  I realized at one point in my relationship It was not me.   If you have to start protecting your honor , your visions, and your integrity  and most of all your reputation- then there is nothing much else to do than to start  moving on.   He is not by any means bad person, but  I need a Man, confident, secure, independent, but most of all respectful one.     He has all potentials to be the one , in one day, but sadly, I guess it is not me.  I wish him all the best in life, and hope one day he sees it is not all about Him.....     God is in control and because of that , I know deep in my heart I made right decision  once in my life to move away from what made me feel down and trapped.

Beginning of every relationship is perfect.  But it is what you make it in a long run...... ANd I want successful relationship .  The kind of relationship you don't have to worry about what you will say in the morning, what will you wear to places, how you would hold hands in certain places and so on.... I want man who is secure with himself.....

And when time is right... I will get over him. I will...

Right now I am just thinking about my move.  It is still scary. It does not matter how much I think about it, or how much I plan.   Scariest of them is all getting a job.   I am 38.  My experience has been my family. Taking care of kids and house.  Staying on top of everything, and now at this age going back to usa. It is  frightening .   I don't have impressive resume to show to anyone.  Nobody hires you because of life experiences, but one thing I know. I will be alright.  And how I know it is because , I am not alone .  God is right next to me.  I have ignored him in past, but not anymore.  I would not have survived without Him.  Looking back at my life, He was there every step of the way for me, but i was ignorant. Missing the signs.   In a way, because of Him, I have been able to stay as humble as I am.  Without Him  I'd be broken to tiny little pieces again, and unable to pick myself up  for a long time.  Without him - I'd be lost. But I'm not lost anymore.   of course, we are finding ourselves till the day we die...  and that is the truth.  By lost I mean- not lost in this  yada yada yada.  I see, i feel, i function and most importantly - I am still happy.

 So , tonight.. I toast for new beginnings.  Never be afraid.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

I'm #scared

I can keep a cool face for a very long time. By long I don't mean couple of weeks or months.. By cool I mean for years. By cool I mean looking straight at you laughing at your jokes , but inside everything is burning . Burning so hard that feels like nothing can distinguish that burning fire.  But I keep pushing and pushing and pushing. .. and pushing even more till I drop for few days. ANd when I drop I drop. Unable to move, unable to communicate, unable to smile , unable to look anybody into their eyes. Unable to even button up my shirt.  I just lay there.. Unable to move, unable to face the world, unable to push myself. And I know that will not last forever. I know, with little self talk I will be back on track before anybody notices what has happened.

 I can cry and pray and scream for a long time. And I do that. On my own. Till one day comes someone into  my life who is not pretending to have same demons as mine.   But for for real "it" will introduce "the" demons to me me and  our demons will have an party.

Life is as hard as you make it. But I don't think I made my life hard. I think My life has been pretty balanced.  Of course I have given more than I have bargained for, but  one thing for sure is. It is something I  have been able to handle-sometimes great, sometimes not so well. But I have been handling it best for what fits my situation....

One of the thoughts that came to me few days ago was...  it might sound insane to you, but perfectly  makes sense. When it comes to my personal life  it has been most amazing fucked up rollercoaster.  Those who have stuck to me, know what I am talking about . But one thing has been consistent.  Financial stability.   I am comfortable. I am not rich, I am not wealthy-I am comfortable. And that made me think... God has been fair with me.  I have had the best and the worst of the both words.  Been there , done that.  And for some reason, it still keeps me blessing with everything.

I don't question why. Because I think, you have to agree to accept everything that comes to your way  ( well, to bitch about  you have your girlfriends( in my case ) or your  brothas'. But you have to keep your cool .

Actually,  I have been scattering all over the place... hoping you all going to take off and  leave me alone. But I feel it is not the case. Most of you want to see me fail or have miserable time.... THe fact is. I DO NOT.  I have my weak moments, but I rise  and i shine, and I sparkle, and i whoot whoot- meaning . I do whatever the fcuck i want ;)....   Just like you all out there checking on  me once in a while- living your own life and doing your thing :)  Do it, and stick to it.....

 After almost 7 years of "Chi chi' Land, i am out of there.  Thats right. THis peace of platinum, says " SAYONARA"  hdskfwjoeij and Hi again Sunshine state California :) I am doing it on my own  . It is fucking scary, but I am doing it.  Have to be back home . Happy and lively and not feel like I live in a jailhouse.  

Please be patient.... I am almost out of " under the construction" sigh.   Couple of more months and  - Terviseks for brand new pages in my life... Alone or someone next to me - thats still a mystery to me as well.   Stay tuned and we all will see..

But one word for  all emotional freeloaders out there...  Keep   checking on me...  Loving  that I can give you something to talk about.   .       But am sad, that I am here only for your entertainment....  No wahalaaaaaa Queen( zzzz)

Saturday, July 9, 2016

:) Midnight musings...

Some time has passed since my last post. Life just got on a way.  Traveling, thinking, friends, relationship. Everything got on a way.  To much to think and sort through.


So here I am. Now I am in Estonia. Past 7 months have been pretty intense. California, China, California again, then China again, then Nigeria, and now in Estonia.  In a month I will be back in China, packing my belongings, and heading out of there permanently. I just can't be there anymore.  I wasted enough time there, just letting valuable time tick away slowly. But this move will come with a price.

I am moving away from China alone. Leaving my son behind.  He will be in great hands- living with his father and his 2 young siblings, but my heart is still bleeding. I already got tons of  shit from people- like- how can i do such horrible thing, and your son always needs his mother. I am not intending to die, or abandon him.  I am just moving back to usa. Yes, it is away from him, but sometimes one has to sacrifice something. Only those who have been in my shoes will understand what I am going through - to others....  Don't judge....  You have no idea.. Of if you want social experiment - go for it and do it.......

  I feel useless in China. I can't work anymore- due to very strict  police check ups.  Imagine cops knocking at your door once in a while and asking for your passport, paperwork,  permits  and asking tons of questions why, how, how long and so on. It kind of starting to feel like prison.   I am so done.

And in my relationship- I am taking a break. I know what I want. Problem with relationship these days is- people just are full of shit, and can pretend only for a second or 2 before all the talk becomes pointless. People pretend and say things that know will work for their advantage, and when they  get what they want, they finally relax and forget about all the words said.  And for me- if you tell me something- you better deliver it rest of your life.  Don't take 100 steps back and hope that  I let it slide. NO , f'ing way.   I will get on your case  and  rape the shit out of your bullshit.  So if you want to be with me, you better deliver.  
I am at this point in my life- I don't care about  tons of things- but I care about respect and honesty. I look for someone who can to listen to me and wants to know more about me. Not  only those aspects that will  interest him, but all the aspects of me. What makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what is my favorite song, perfume, food,  sleeping position, drink.  How Do I like my coffee, and not constantly ask-- you sure you don't want milk in it?  I wan't someone too see beyond imperfections in me.   I am not 20 something.... I am almost 40 and have my whole past written in my face.    I carry tons of rocks from my past with me, and  I wish someone one day will lend that helping hand and help me unpack.  Instead adding more rocks into my  hot pink imaginary backpack.....  I want someone who is empathetic and caring... not only in words, but also in actions....

Maybe I am chasing an Unicorn who is shooting rainbows out of its ass.  I really don't fucking know .  Thought people get smarter with age, but seems like at this time and age, everybody is slowly dying. Everybody is so full of themselves, that it makes them hard to see that world needs more love than selfish  crap.  But who I am to say anything... I sound selfish to now- wanting that perfect  once  who was stranger to me to become what he said he'd be....  Maybe it is me who needs to grow up and just suck it in and stop expecting miracles.....   After all I am the Miracle .....

Been divorced since 2013 ... And have been walking away every single relationship since then ..  my standards are way to high.... But ain't gonna settle for less.  

And it's not gonna dim my light.  Show must go on. Life must continue and heart to will be mended again.

Till then- I just keep smiling at people who got it...  WATER IT.....


Lots of love from my heart to yours... xo