Monday, August 22, 2016

One step at a time.

 One of my favorite sayings is-"Life has a funny sense of humor."  Why I say it is because  is, I have everything great happening in my life. I really have nothing to complain about. And for a split second, meaning for about 7 months I had about everything I had ever wished for.  Great life, good friends, roof over head, food on table, and man I loved with all my heart...  To be honest I still love him.   And wish him all the best in life, and I hope he finds what it is he is searching for. But  I realized at one point in my relationship It was not me.   If you have to start protecting your honor , your visions, and your integrity  and most of all your reputation- then there is nothing much else to do than to start  moving on.   He is not by any means bad person, but  I need a Man, confident, secure, independent, but most of all respectful one.     He has all potentials to be the one , in one day, but sadly, I guess it is not me.  I wish him all the best in life, and hope one day he sees it is not all about Him.....     God is in control and because of that , I know deep in my heart I made right decision  once in my life to move away from what made me feel down and trapped.

Beginning of every relationship is perfect.  But it is what you make it in a long run...... ANd I want successful relationship .  The kind of relationship you don't have to worry about what you will say in the morning, what will you wear to places, how you would hold hands in certain places and so on.... I want man who is secure with himself.....

And when time is right... I will get over him. I will...

Right now I am just thinking about my move.  It is still scary. It does not matter how much I think about it, or how much I plan.   Scariest of them is all getting a job.   I am 38.  My experience has been my family. Taking care of kids and house.  Staying on top of everything, and now at this age going back to usa. It is  frightening .   I don't have impressive resume to show to anyone.  Nobody hires you because of life experiences, but one thing I know. I will be alright.  And how I know it is because , I am not alone .  God is right next to me.  I have ignored him in past, but not anymore.  I would not have survived without Him.  Looking back at my life, He was there every step of the way for me, but i was ignorant. Missing the signs.   In a way, because of Him, I have been able to stay as humble as I am.  Without Him  I'd be broken to tiny little pieces again, and unable to pick myself up  for a long time.  Without him - I'd be lost. But I'm not lost anymore.   of course, we are finding ourselves till the day we die...  and that is the truth.  By lost I mean- not lost in this  yada yada yada.  I see, i feel, i function and most importantly - I am still happy.

 So , tonight.. I toast for new beginnings.  Never be afraid.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

I'm #scared

I can keep a cool face for a very long time. By long I don't mean couple of weeks or months.. By cool I mean for years. By cool I mean looking straight at you laughing at your jokes , but inside everything is burning . Burning so hard that feels like nothing can distinguish that burning fire.  But I keep pushing and pushing and pushing. .. and pushing even more till I drop for few days. ANd when I drop I drop. Unable to move, unable to communicate, unable to smile , unable to look anybody into their eyes. Unable to even button up my shirt.  I just lay there.. Unable to move, unable to face the world, unable to push myself. And I know that will not last forever. I know, with little self talk I will be back on track before anybody notices what has happened.

 I can cry and pray and scream for a long time. And I do that. On my own. Till one day comes someone into  my life who is not pretending to have same demons as mine.   But for for real "it" will introduce "the" demons to me me and  our demons will have an party.

Life is as hard as you make it. But I don't think I made my life hard. I think My life has been pretty balanced.  Of course I have given more than I have bargained for, but  one thing for sure is. It is something I  have been able to handle-sometimes great, sometimes not so well. But I have been handling it best for what fits my situation....

One of the thoughts that came to me few days ago was...  it might sound insane to you, but perfectly  makes sense. When it comes to my personal life  it has been most amazing fucked up rollercoaster.  Those who have stuck to me, know what I am talking about . But one thing has been consistent.  Financial stability.   I am comfortable. I am not rich, I am not wealthy-I am comfortable. And that made me think... God has been fair with me.  I have had the best and the worst of the both words.  Been there , done that.  And for some reason, it still keeps me blessing with everything.

I don't question why. Because I think, you have to agree to accept everything that comes to your way  ( well, to bitch about  you have your girlfriends( in my case ) or your  brothas'. But you have to keep your cool .

Actually,  I have been scattering all over the place... hoping you all going to take off and  leave me alone. But I feel it is not the case. Most of you want to see me fail or have miserable time.... THe fact is. I DO NOT.  I have my weak moments, but I rise  and i shine, and I sparkle, and i whoot whoot- meaning . I do whatever the fcuck i want ;)....   Just like you all out there checking on  me once in a while- living your own life and doing your thing :)  Do it, and stick to it.....

 After almost 7 years of "Chi chi' Land, i am out of there.  Thats right. THis peace of platinum, says " SAYONARA"  hdskfwjoeij and Hi again Sunshine state California :) I am doing it on my own  . It is fucking scary, but I am doing it.  Have to be back home . Happy and lively and not feel like I live in a jailhouse.  

Please be patient.... I am almost out of " under the construction" sigh.   Couple of more months and  - Terviseks for brand new pages in my life... Alone or someone next to me - thats still a mystery to me as well.   Stay tuned and we all will see..

But one word for  all emotional freeloaders out there...  Keep   checking on me...  Loving  that I can give you something to talk about.   .       But am sad, that I am here only for your entertainment....  No wahalaaaaaa Queen( zzzz)

Saturday, July 9, 2016

:) Midnight musings...

Some time has passed since my last post. Life just got on a way.  Traveling, thinking, friends, relationship. Everything got on a way.  To much to think and sort through.


So here I am. Now I am in Estonia. Past 7 months have been pretty intense. California, China, California again, then China again, then Nigeria, and now in Estonia.  In a month I will be back in China, packing my belongings, and heading out of there permanently. I just can't be there anymore.  I wasted enough time there, just letting valuable time tick away slowly. But this move will come with a price.

I am moving away from China alone. Leaving my son behind.  He will be in great hands- living with his father and his 2 young siblings, but my heart is still bleeding. I already got tons of  shit from people- like- how can i do such horrible thing, and your son always needs his mother. I am not intending to die, or abandon him.  I am just moving back to usa. Yes, it is away from him, but sometimes one has to sacrifice something. Only those who have been in my shoes will understand what I am going through - to others....  Don't judge....  You have no idea.. Of if you want social experiment - go for it and do it.......

  I feel useless in China. I can't work anymore- due to very strict  police check ups.  Imagine cops knocking at your door once in a while and asking for your passport, paperwork,  permits  and asking tons of questions why, how, how long and so on. It kind of starting to feel like prison.   I am so done.

And in my relationship- I am taking a break. I know what I want. Problem with relationship these days is- people just are full of shit, and can pretend only for a second or 2 before all the talk becomes pointless. People pretend and say things that know will work for their advantage, and when they  get what they want, they finally relax and forget about all the words said.  And for me- if you tell me something- you better deliver it rest of your life.  Don't take 100 steps back and hope that  I let it slide. NO , f'ing way.   I will get on your case  and  rape the shit out of your bullshit.  So if you want to be with me, you better deliver.  
I am at this point in my life- I don't care about  tons of things- but I care about respect and honesty. I look for someone who can to listen to me and wants to know more about me. Not  only those aspects that will  interest him, but all the aspects of me. What makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what is my favorite song, perfume, food,  sleeping position, drink.  How Do I like my coffee, and not constantly ask-- you sure you don't want milk in it?  I wan't someone too see beyond imperfections in me.   I am not 20 something.... I am almost 40 and have my whole past written in my face.    I carry tons of rocks from my past with me, and  I wish someone one day will lend that helping hand and help me unpack.  Instead adding more rocks into my  hot pink imaginary backpack.....  I want someone who is empathetic and caring... not only in words, but also in actions....

Maybe I am chasing an Unicorn who is shooting rainbows out of its ass.  I really don't fucking know .  Thought people get smarter with age, but seems like at this time and age, everybody is slowly dying. Everybody is so full of themselves, that it makes them hard to see that world needs more love than selfish  crap.  But who I am to say anything... I sound selfish to now- wanting that perfect  once  who was stranger to me to become what he said he'd be....  Maybe it is me who needs to grow up and just suck it in and stop expecting miracles.....   After all I am the Miracle .....

Been divorced since 2013 ... And have been walking away every single relationship since then ..  my standards are way to high.... But ain't gonna settle for less.  

And it's not gonna dim my light.  Show must go on. Life must continue and heart to will be mended again.

Till then- I just keep smiling at people who got it...  WATER IT.....


Lots of love from my heart to yours... xo


Saturday, May 28, 2016

Happy Birthday Love.....


 My Love.....

Past few months have been nothing but extraordinary.

Brief Online chatting has turned into intensive whole wide world love affair, and only person I can thank for that is you. We both are partners in crime, but without you we would not be where we are at this stage in life

I remember our first encounter. I knew nothing about you, but I knew you will be my person sooner or later. I knew that those lips of yours will be mine to kiss and eyes of yours to stare  into to will be there for ever for me to stare into....... And I am so happy- 5 months later forever is still on.

It is not all cotton candy and marshmallows. it is not all rainbows and sunshine... But it is real. More real than anything I have ever had in my life. You always say, it is me who made it happen, but it is both of us, who are making an effort to keep fire burning.... It takes 2 to tango... our eyes met and our hearts melted.... and our souls intertwined....  there was that magic moment, I still to this day can not explain how... but ...  it was meant to happen ... and it did...

 There ain't marshmallows without crumbling graham crackers and no rainbows without rain and smiling sun....

But once rain passes, we see the rainbows  and butterflies and sunshine once again and  concentrate to what is worth and what is not worth holding onto...


You are my everything.
You are my happy place
You are what everybody is searching for, but only few find.  And in you I found peace. And I want to keep it ...



Our adventures so far... From CHina to California.... .    for you from California to CHina... Then  again, from CALI to China for you, and for me from CHINA to different CHINESE city... and now.. our  latest destination.. From China to Lagos.....   I feel sad this leg is coming to an end... but      In couple of months few more amazing adventures are awaiting us....


There is so much more to come for us, but one thing I know for sure is- You have changed everything I know about love... You have made me believe in magic i thought did not exist....  Keep believing, and never give up ....  Best is yet to come .. and it is because you are here next to me .. My love, my everything.....


Words can't describe , what i feel for you...  SOmetimes silence is better.......


 Forever yours... Lady D.







Tuesday, May 24, 2016

I miss China, I miss usa, I miss Estonia... I miss freedom to do what I wanna do..when I wanna do.. But I am content.

 I can not address enough how amazing Nigeria , Lagos and its surrounding areas actually are. It is different kind of beauty, and not everybody will survive here. It takes a strong person to adjust in here, and I have adjusted.. I would not mind living here for long term. I tell you honestly, I have no fear.  I feel like, I have been here for a long time, and I still don't have enough experiences to actually tell you I HAVE BEEN TO NIGERIA.   I feel flat at times, because, I know there are adventures awaiting for me, but  because my amazing boyfriend, I am taking a huge step back and listen to him.  I don't want to put my life in harms way in any damn way, so I decide to stay indoors, or walk to work, or drive around with our driver. 
I am not complaining, but adventurer in me- is not satisfied... 
BUT on a great note.. We have made amazing friends here.  We have experienced Nigeria the way we did not expect. We went to parties we  just went WOW, but it is overdone... 
 I miss good western food.. I tell you honestly..People in CHINA should be happy.... Western restaurants there are amazing compared to Lagos area...  I aint lying..  
Also, every time we go out K gets little stressed..  And I understand why.  People get kidnapped, car jacked, robbed,  whatever all the time. ANd we have been lucky...  And I hope we will stay lucky for days to come. 
 AND NOW.... 10 more days here... 10 more days and I will be Back in mhm.. and he will be back in mhmh...

 I already miss him... I already feel like  I want to cut my trip to mhm short,and fly to where he is... 
But one thing I know.. I will be back in Nigeria...   YOu have to come here to see this country. eat food, attend parties, see how poor live how rich live and make up your own mind about WHY PEOPLE HERE ARE THE WAY THEY ARE....
 If I was Nigerian...  
i'd do what they do..
Life ain't easy here...  Everybody tries to hustle...  THose who have get more, and those who don't loose what they have... SO never stop trying and dreaming...
Keep pushing... 


















Wednesday, May 18, 2016

About to start not give a fuck...

I'm been In Lagos since 27th of  April.  For me I love it. I have nothing to complain about- besides being 200 % handicapped.    China compared to lagos was FINE. I still love it, but I miss my freedom.   Every day I have been warned by people that I should be careful, and not walk into certain streets. every day I am been schooled about  being careful, and if I DO decide to go about on my own, I should not ask for directions incase I get lost, because if I do ask directions, someone might see me as a Commodity , and will lead me to kidnappers, and will get their cut... Whatever. I am about to give up an kidnap myself, because I don't understand how people will survive living this way....

I just went to balcony, and heard whole bunch of screams from street nearby...  Meaning strike about gas prices is on roll.. I don't even want to know how dangerous it might be out there. Facebook is blocked,  and I have a feeling it will be blocked till this Strike here is over....

I don't know what might happen tomorrow, but today I am ok...  and will try to keep me as safe as possible... But this country is unpredictable...   Just going to hope for the best, and this shall too pass.


Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Naija adventures...

Sorry, I have not been active, but everything has been crazy over here... Work, maintaining relationship,  electricity issues, keeping myself safe, quality time... Kory still calls it vacation, but there is nothing about vacation past couple of months.. It has been constant work.. He has to snap out of it, and call it what it is.

I tell you honestly... End of the day.. I just want to fly to USA, and shower there, and then fly back...    But I am who I am, I am used to less, and there is nothing to complain about. In the end of the day, we got few hours of electricity, gas stow with tank,  little bit of running water, clothes to wear and roof over our head..   I can handle it well.. no wahala.....