Sunday, October 15, 2017

Dear life...

  I feel horrible for not writing for so long.  I really have no excuses .  And I can not  apologize for it ether. It has been interesting  month or so....

 September 19th and 20th were 2 really horrible days for me. I  am grateful for my friend who  took me under her wing and offered her company for these 2 days.    I felt myself slowly falling into darkness again, and those who have been there , know how it feels to be alone and scared and frustrated and fragile and misunderstood and angry, and sad, and mad  and feel hate and love and more frustrations, and more darkness and more everything else that is not possible to put into words...

The feelings, I  felt not for that 2 days, but for  whole 8 years are only  imaginable by those who have lost a child.  But around every major Memory that is associated by Regina , I turn into this hot mess, and as much as I try to be on control of everything, It is not possible for me to stay completely in control of my emotions.  I have been told so many times you have PTSD...  ANd then I have been told- when I open up about it,  NO YOU DON't , you never went to war... You did not kill anybody or did see anybody killed.....   Well, for those of you who have said that , and are reading it right now, I did see someone I gave birth to be killed by cancer, by medications,  by my own choices even maybe, because who am I to know what is right or wrong to do or suggest or  whatever when my own child has cancer?   There Is not right or wrong...  Action has to be taken .... And hope it turns out to be  Right step...

You lie to yourself every single morning - that it will be alright, because if you don't lie to yourself that everything will be alright you will be mess, not able to breathe, sleep, see, feel.....   So I told myself, I got this shit, and we will be alright....


I lied to my friends that I am ok, to my family, to doctors, to psychologists, to strangers....  I lied till I could not anymore...

And now 8 years later, when I am telling the truth, most people have pulled away, because they don't know how to react to it, how to comfort, how to be a friend...    Can I blame them?  No , of course not..  

They go back to avocado and kale and wish for miracle cure for all of their problems....  I don't have time for that shit....

Let me end this post before I get more passionate about it......

 I have issues,, I know...  I just wish no mother ever has to loose their child again, but it is naive wish...    So my humble suggestion to you is...     Don't be intimidated.... We  moms who have gone trough hell , are tough as fuck...  But we are still human.  Our reality is different than yours, but it does not make us better than you in any way.. Our wisdoms are different, and accept that...  Be there for as us well,  we need a ear and a hand and a shoulder to cry on time to time........

.... love to you all....

Monday, September 11, 2017

setback....

First of all, I want to apologize to all of you , who have sent me messages, and emails, and I have not responded to them...

All of you who are moms, or , amazing friends, or even amazing open minded humans, know what intuition is!!! You know something is wrong with someone close to you in your life, or with someone you vibe well with... it is just that feeling...

I woke up today feeling sick. I was sweating my heart was racing,  and I could not even concentrate .  I would sit on a sofa and shake... ( not because of alcohol--- I cut my drinking down to weekends these days)...   I could see my heart wanting to jump out of my chest, and that made kind scared....  And my mind went straight to Gabriel- my son , who lives in china... He is 16 years old ... and i miss him way to much...   Few minutes after that, I got a message from Gabriel, asking me to contact Hangzhou international school, because he is really sick....  I almost lost my mind..  I was like, where is you father?  And  Gabe said- he is never here.....   My heart just stopped for few seconds....
I  got all these emotions in me, and I could not let them out.. All I could do was to just smile, and tell him everything will be alright, and he will be fine...  and drink and sleep, and drink more water or gatorade... Just relax and don't worry about anything......

So, after I was done chatting with him...  Calmness kind of came back to me, but now I am just angry.. Angry at myself for many reasons... and  for a split second.. I wanted to let myself go again...  Eat uncontrollably, drink bottle of wine, and send tons of angry messages to G's father... But I composed myself...  And told myself.. this is it.. Never again, will I let this man to get under my skin... Because if i do, I might end up in jail , somewhere in China......

Just hoping that my awesome rockstar son gets better soon

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Free yourself...

What is your freedom?

How do you see yourself, vs how your peeps see you?

my thoughts tonight are simple...

My  peeps see me stronger than I appear...  

Why...

Because...

 I forgot to show me and my weaknesses.. Because I forgot how I talk to myself  is important........






Friday, August 25, 2017

Welcome to House of Chaos..

Few things have changed  over here. I adopted cute kitty.  When I was in the midst of my mental breakdown, I just realized I can't be alone . And I checked into local shelters for pets for adoption. I was interested in female kitten...  As I started scrolling down, there she was.... 2 and half months old and her name was listed REGINA....  I contacted shelter, paid 150 dollar adoption fee, and  now I am mewmma :D  I call her Gigi, and she is a riot... BTW.. She was the least cute kitty at the shelter, but  she was meant for me. . Sadly, I do have pretty bad cat allergy and have to take meds , but at this point it is ok. I am not asthmatic .  Which is good news.....  We get along great, and she is great little ray of sunshine :D Helps me with my anxiety  a lot :D

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Second huge change is...  Lot of you know , that I started working out with personal trainer.. But she is doing more for me than just helping me get in shape.  She is like my mental organizer.  When I walked through gym doors, I was complete mess. I worked out every day sometimes 2 hours at a time.. I ate healthy, I did not cheat with my meals,  I drank no more than 2 glasses of wine per night, but once in a while did have saturday nigh binge drinking with friends... 

  When I signed up with my gym, I was assigned personal trainer.  I did not know who she was,  I did not know If i'd like her, and I did not even actually think I will sign up for personal training sessions....  It was just too expensive for me, and I though I have to give up a lot to afford her....

From the first moment on when I met her, I liked her energy.  I can't explain it.  She moved me. Her whole presence moved me...  After she weighed me and measured me, she asked me to tell her my story. j I usually don't start crying right away, because I am so used to telling my story, but at that moment when she asked for it, something in me  cracked, and I broke down and I told her short version of my story..   Tears just kept flowing, and  I knew She was placed into my life for a reason. WHile I was telling her my story, I had made up my mind to hire her as my personal trainer for 16 sessions..  

We have had 4 sessions..  When I first started I was soo closed down emotionally, physically.  My body was holding into every ounce of food I ate...  It did not matter what I did, it just ketp piling up...  She opened something in me, and after 2 sessions with her , I started feeling like newer better version of me.   
It was the things she said, routed me back to tracks I was supposed to be on. But life choices, relationships , toxic friendships, people  I allowed to  walk all over me and my own mind- just threw me off rails for a while....

I still get teary eyed in beginning of every workout, but I channel those tears into fixing myself, and getting my healthy mindset back. To much shit has happened in my life and I have to somehow forgive myself, for allowing that to happen...   

At least  I am on a right track :)
 I believe Kim is - what everyone needs in their life... That voice that whispers you-- it's all in you.. Dig deeper... You got this... ..

 Also, I  had another huge Ahaaa... moment .. But I will write about more, when I am 200% sure  it really was AHAAAAAAAA moment.....

BTW...  All of you who are reading this..   I am just looking for support :D   I have all the answers, and I just need little UMphhhhhh once in a while to  push me another level......

love...xoxo

Monday, August 14, 2017

Bitch, Please!!!

Well, title to this post is very general. I use those 2 words at least 100 times through out the day, but I do not say it out loud.  I may hum a little when I say it, but... I keep it to myself...hahah .. I actually wanted to make this Instagram post, and be super inspirational and shit, but decided to blog it instead.


So, I have an accent. Those of you who have met me  know this. I might use words incorrectly, or make up my own words randomly, if word does not come to me. SOme of my sentences are built so wrong, even I don't understand what I am saying, but I just don't care.

I just want to make a quick point about something.  Because I have an accent, I am not a moron.  I am not stupid. I am not the one you should take advantage of, or pour your heart out..

I am HUMAN first. I have feelings, thoughts, hobbies, life, family, my own opinion,  etc... For  you to think of me lesser, because of my broken english or judge me based of how thick my accent is, says lot about you...  How many languages you speak yourself before you start judging me or other  people with accents?  tell me please?.. OH, you say you speak spanish.. PLEASE!!! LET IT OUT, and let me find a   native spanish speaker to judge you and  your accent.... How does that feel now...

THen you might say.. But you live in usa.. You should not have accent like this...  And then I might totally get all hot inside and little crazy etc...  And I might say - just to annoy you.... YOu know what... Drop  your  pants...  I wanna see  your tiny sad dick with no balls where most of your   empathy and understanding  comes for others...

WIth that said...... All I really want in this world is.. TO have understanding and love for one another.   We all live on the same planet.  Why not accept and understand one another's differences and grow from it, instead of spreading hate everywhere?  I know, I sound naive now.. But what is left there to wish these days.  I am so sad, that people walk around their head stuck in their asses and behaving like ones...


I am just angry today.........

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Breathe in , breathe out...

.... This is pretty much how I have been surviving here for a while..
I admit.. I am fuming  middle aged mess, but I am still HOT... ... mess....  lol

One of the things that gave me peace this month is-- Reginas memorial maker was finally completed, and installed..

Promised 16 days from company , turned into 60 something stressful days..  They made major mistakes in design and spelling errors. ...   I stressed over an issue, I should have never  ever spent a second stressing over....   Lady, who I contacted , was legit, and her company had done thousands of markers..... But maybe that is a problem... she lost passion..........She had one job, and she should have done it right. But long story short.. Reginas memorial maker is beautiful. And she is resting peacefully at El Toro Memorial park...  

I have been told once or twice after Reginas passing that I should be grateful that I had experienced motherhood at such young age And That I was married before, and that I have lived good life and  yada yada yada....  It almost feels like people have no compassion anymore...  No common sense ether...

All I have to say to this kind of "love and care" is.  I appreciate your input ....  I am happy, that only thing in life you have to worry about is...  You did not get a full scoop of ice cream. ;)

Love one another. THere is so much hate in this world already.  Find your tribe ,  appreciate it...  Help one another.  Guide those who are lost.  Mentor someone... HUG  if that is what you can do at any given moment... Make someone smile... Give honest compliment.    Do not forget to love yourself.     And .... Don't be afraid to be  YOU.... .... That is what I learned from Regina.... ..... xoxox

Saturday, August 5, 2017

YOU

 I want honesty-- that kind of honesty, that makes me  take a deep breath in  .. and pause for a sec, and then breathe out  and say.. yup.. that is what I wanted to hear....


I want love... I want love that is meant for me...

I want someone look into my eyes--  and all I feel  , is that  look, was the look  was given just for me...

I want kisses-- the ones that leave me weak to my knees...  the ones, I keep my eyes open just to see you enjoying every second of it...


I want You..... The one -I never saw coming.....  Y -O -U....