Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Interesting...

I got 2 private emails and one comment telling me to stop writing when I am drunk....  I also got someone reporting my blog.

So, what I want to tell You know is.. If you don't want to read this blog, please don't...     I do not know who you are, or why you are so angry at me... But please , do me a favor and  leave, if something I write gets under your skin......


with that said...

OMG...


 Everything is set for my move...   I got moving company,  I have paid all fees, told  my complex - I will be out on certain date,  ...  Only 2 things I can not do is to  start my southern cali. edison, and Gas company... They require  10  notification of starting  new service....

 It has been  adrenaline filled couple of weeks... but  ... It is so easy...  It is scary thought at first that I can not do this... But when You are actually doing it.. It is so empowering..  Again.. it is hard to explain why..

One thing all of you have to remember is... I am finally doing it on my own... There is no husband, there is no boyfriend... There is no back up plan... It is just me...   And every time I get approved for something ... I cry silent happy tears...

 I am strong person  in general.. But I have my weak moments and we all should have them...  

For years I did not show them... and I am finally getting to that point  with thought....--- I am who I am...  and I have right to be vulnerable and cry... and scream... but I also know... I am the one who has to pick me up....  No short cuts...

I am emotional basket case right now...   And I have every right to be.


more to come....... xoxo

Sunday, March 12, 2017

YEYYYYYYEYEYYEYEYE #HAPPY!!!!

 I don't know how to explain the way I feel right now...   Because it is one of those days, I got new feeling added to my feelings tribe.

Feeling of freedom.... Feeling "chill" finally. It is cool adult kind of feeling... Meaning -  I am finally responsible for all of my shit....

I am still not completely free from my past chains. But life has been good to me, and  I should never complain again...

 With that said ....

I just rented me my ..... wait for it......  God Is God.....     MY very first own place  with out co renters help.

 WHat I mean by it  is... I was married for years... I divorced in china.. I never had a job in USA... and Now I have been back in here for few months.. ANd finding my way.. And it has been hardest process ever..    To the point I feel   that I have to prove myself again everywhere as an individual.... And it is empowering...

Few of my "people" , or as they wished to call me have tried to rush my process... But never rush this process... What is meant to happen will happen... It is given...  I am guilty of dismissing the signs as well....  But when one is mentally , spiritually, aware...  Things start to happen you never thought will happen....

 I am 38 and am just starting to live my life....    LIVE with purpose that is....  


Some get it at early age... But for me...  finding myself has been complicated journey......  

I am not going to say much more about it now.....  We all have lives that make sense at one point.....    I know what is my purpose... I  have not figured out yet how i can utilize it....   .


 Patience dear...


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Lent

Well, I am not Catholic.     But every year I do something for lent...  This year it actually started perfect... Could not be a better beginning for it...
My amazing ex came and F I N A L L Y removed truck full of his belongings from my condo...    Feeling of seeing it all go was  freeing...  One of best days I have had for a long time.  I waited for it for over a month.   I wish him best , and hope he finds what he is looking for. .... So with that said...

Today..   I removed dating/Hook up apps Tinder and Bumble from my  cell.   I met few people through it and they were great lessons. ANd I am grateful for it.  So now.  All I really am concentrating at is  finding me that spot that screams my name.  And that was one more good thing about it.

Few weeks ago I got a notice from my   Shadow oaks  community that my lease is up in April and they are rising the lease IF I commit to 14 month lease to almost 3400 dollars ( my lease now is 2800)....  AND if I want to pay month to month it is 3800 dollars... Which is 1000 dollar increase...  It is insane right ?   TOday.  I had management come in and examine my place..  First of all I love SHADOW OAKS.. Management is great, service is great,  apartments are awesome ..   It is just perfect... But price is  not.....  So , the guy comes in and says,  all I am checking right now is HOLES IN THE WALLS... and my response was... I AM NOT that violent YET>.......  He started laughing...

I got lucky.. they are giving back whole   deposit - which is 6000 dollars... because they are going to remodel WHOLE  apartment... and now i understand why rise for my spot was so much.... THEY really wanted me out... Smart asses......

Now I am on a hunt  for new places.... ANd I am all over the place... I just have to find something that feels home, and where I feel safe.  That is pretty much it... I want something 1 bedroom or studio....  Something intimate and small. Maybe 2 bedroom is ok too, because if friends come to visit...   Will make it work for me :D

I literally am so excited...   I can't wait to walk through doors of my space and say... THIS IS  WHERE I BELONG!!!   I have had it happen to me before.... ( I miss my china apartment )      I want to put pictures on walls...   by rods to hang up curtains,   buy a  crazy patterned rug...  and    Nespresso Machine....   I love Nespresso....


After I get it.. I will find a job that makes me happy :D    And I already feel it...    As much as I love kids... I am getting tired of babysitting  ...   NOt really sitting  kids, but dealing with parents.   I guess it is OC/CA thing....  everybody is gluten free,   wants to be better than neighbors,    chat about their plastic surgeons, and for FUCKS sake if one haven't had one surgery-- one must be poor to afford one....  So after I  settle, take couple of trips here and there... I gonna  be Gangsta and work 24/7   ...  this  past 6 months I was just settling "in"... Getting accustomed to  culture again,  learning to smile to people, and not yell at them... YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE....


 And  in a nutshell that is it...
 
I am reading my Bible every day, I get my morning confirmations,    I intimidate some people, some people intimidate me... But in the end of the day.. I am so HAPPY.


.. But so much has happened.....  so much... and I can't write it about it now...   God is great.    Peace, love, respect....

Monday, February 20, 2017

Friday, February 10, 2017

And?

Today I did almost 5 hours of babysitting.   I am using couple of websites to get babysitting jobs.  And I don't mind doing it. Families  in a area where I live are nice and kids are mostly well behaved.  And it is more money than starting in retail or restaurant business.  But  as one of my good friends stated..   I have not  giving my 100%.   And I understand what she means.

I have been thinking about lot of crazy things...  A LOT... crazies one  is moving to somewhere I have never lived before...   I don't know why it is such a crazy thought, but it just  speaks to me.   I really want to live near beach.. Near water, or complete opposite is somewhere in mountains-  in a log house...  Just minding my own business.    But still.. near lake, quiet , still...   Just silence...  ;) Big bear would not be such a bad idea....

I wish people would stop telling me what to do... YES, advise me  or guide me, but please , don't tell me what to do....   Tell me you are here for me, tell me I will get hurt... But don't tell me  what to do......  You are not paying my bills, you are not waking up every morning in my bed, and you are not definitely living in my skin.   You live close to my heart, and there are only few of you whose Advice I would take...  And you know who you are...

In this blog I write down my good thoughts and my bad thoughts... SOme days I am frustrated  and  other  days I am ready to take the world.. Some days I feel handy capped, and maybe few days after  I feel like a rock star...  We all have our days...

 Past few weeks have been interesting , and past couple of weeks have been hard.  ANd valentines day approaching, and  memories of kids being young and enjoying it.. is hitting hard again, and the fact... I don't think I have had valentines date for years...    So valentines day for me is cursed...

It will be me most likely babysitting kids.. then coming home, making me something yummy to eat... and then  going to bed Just like every other day.

I tell myself every day... Treat yourself well Gurrl... And I am doing it.  As horrible as some people have treated me...  I have to forgive them. ....  sooner the better....   and I have to forgive myself for allowing someone to treat me in a ill mannered way. .
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."...


Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Yaiks.... SUre... why not...

This is my latest motto... WHY NOT? WHY not jump head first into unknown again, I have done it all my life.  And as much as most of you would love to scold me for my decisions... SEE where it all has taken me...  I  had pretty damn amazing adventures in my  short life.  My closest friends know all my heartbreaks, and struggles, but they also have to see, the stories I have made for my tree of life.... Stories I would not have been able to make, if I did not take stupid  learning experiences....


 ANd I am craving more.  I hate to admit it, but I realized I am adrenaline junky. NOT doing roller coaster rides, or sky diving, but   chasing the high or unknown.... while, keeping my 2 feet on this ground...  Yes, it does sound naive, but it works for me.

WHile I am writing, I am still staring at my ceiling of row of 3 lights that are not aligned right... ANd I am fucking paying almost 3000 dollars for this apt... THese lights are driving me insane... Just like  I drive myself insane, when there is something out of order in my life...  Internally....  Right now I am fine.. more than fine....

B U T...

SO many people have told me, " Well, you have to know yourself by now?"  You should be remarried  and living the life .. blah blah blah... It is all bullshit....

And I am like.. SURE.. .I do know who I AM...  I am PERSON...  I am MEEE...  ANd
same time, I never want to limit myself to be that ONE ME.. There are so many amazing sides to me, and they are all good sides..  And one day...  When I ace what I was meant to do, ( besides being awesome ),   The ONE will find  me ..  And the life we will make will be extraordinary.....

Ordinary is not a word  in my vocabulary...


Hi, My name is Extraordinary Hot mess. What is your name again?


Sunday, February 5, 2017

What is it?

 I have been holding back with writing for a while.. Not because I have nothing to say.  I DO,  I do  have tons to say, but why should I say something during times it is just words.......  And I don't want to mistake my words and feelings...So I just did my thing...  stayed away...


I am confused again ... And I have been thinking and listening to my  friends.... Listening- meaning gathering wisdoms they give me - FROM , their current reality ... and wisdoms, and experiences..... that match with my reality. But It still makes no sense for me....

Because in my opinion  we only  hear what we want to hear from our current mental status....   And  we grow only from what comes from us... Making tons of amazing learning lessons..

Please learn.. .Please, cry, feel vulnerable... BUT ONE THING NEVER FEEL... don't feel like you cant turn to your friends with your worries... .. Even thought they might not agree with your current situation...  THey are still your friends..

SO what they have not suck  one amazing dick for months... They are still your friends... Maybe they did it week ago, maybe they have never done it... Depending of their orientation...  SO...   Keep them in mind when you are going through rough patch.......  It helps...

AND .. if you don't know who your friends are... Tell them about sucking dick.. ANd if they tell you FUCK OFF..... they ain't your friends ;) or they they just need more time accepting who you are....

Love.. Di...