Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Happy Birthday to my son....

My  Second born is turning 16 in 42 minutes... He was born on june 22nd , just 22 minutes after midnight.   He is perfect in every aspect..

He loves pasta, and macaroni and cheese, and corn dogs..  And sushi and sashimi and Japanese curries... He loves his games and cosplay.

After introducing him to piano and ukulele and guitar... He chose drums as his choice of instrument and he has been successfully playing them in school concerts ...

He loves building robots, and arguing , and being right... Don't even try to debate him.. He will talk  you to death... I am not lying... That is him.....

 He is turning 16 .. and I have not seen him since september.

Not a day has gone by , that I have not thought about him..  Not a moment... He is always in my mind..  I know he is in excellent hands. I know My ex and his new miss are taking good care of him..  But as a mother....   I know I would have been taken better care of him :)    

Lot of people have asked me, if judge ordered that etc.. etc... NO...  I made conscious decision mycelf to return to states without him..  Me and my ex did not use lawyers or mediators, or  other stupid legal shit people do here.... We did 2 week las vegas divorce...


So, please , do not ever judge me from your standpoint....  We all live our lives the way it works to us...   And as hard as it to admit right now... THis works for me.

But I came to another scary realization ... I completely understand how fathers , who had to give up to their children  because of court order feel....     You will never stop worrying and wondering, and praying, and wishing them the best....   I have compassion and love to every parent who had to make this decision, or decision was made for them....  KEEP  YOUR CHIN UP!!!!!     Keep your mind and thoughts positive, and everything will be ok ......    And  tell your loved ones you care about them, or love them, or miss them, .. And mean it...... xoxoxo... ALways mean it.....

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Hi... How are you?

 Once in a blue moon, when someone asks this questions my eyes light up...

TOday for instance,  I went to  Trader Joes, and It is my favorite grocery store to shop at for my  grocery needs.  I bought a bottle of pinot, low sodium turkey, hummus and case of water... Before that of course cashier would ask me- "HOW ARE YOU, YOU look  great, love your hair"....  And that just made my day.    I did have amazing day today, managed to have great workout at gym, and run tons of errands and then did sunset hike.. SO when she asked 9.30 pm about my day,  I just started glowing...  And I told her...  it was amazing day and I am about to head home have some wine , eat turkey and listen to tons of music... And she started laughing and said... She will skip the turkey, but can't wait to be reunited with wine and  dinner....   And that is why I love Trader Joes...  Every time I go there - even to buy a bag of chips, some worker has something to say about it, or suggest perfect snack combo to go with it.. and they are always on point...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE TRADER JOES!!!!! I think maybe that is one of the reasons I wanted to move back to USA from China....


 But how am i really ... In reality, I am living one day at a time, ....  I am trying to spend as much time in nature as possible, because I realized , that is what makes my mind calm, relaxed . I am not overthinking , I am not obsessing, I am not sad, I am not anxious when I am near natural mother nature...   I have been making conscious choices that would benefit my well being, and I am happy universe has been co-operative....

Same time... I do miss going dancing... Loud music is therapeutic as well.. Dancing it all out... Being one with the rhythm... I just wish I had that perfect partner to go out to LET IT OUT!!! SO sometimes late at night, I put on my high heels, my fave dress  .. find my Beats, and let my music take over  every sense that is alert and active..... I dance it out...   And I fall asleep smile on my face :)

I do what works for me...    You do too....   Getting to know who I am has been pretty damn amazing journey....  And it is not over....   I will always be a hot mess...   But I want to be hotter mess :D   I want to be more selfless.. more free, more caring, more appreciative, more confident, more loving, more accepting, more trusting... And last but not least-- More ME....

xo..  just my 5 cents for tonight....... I want to be more fabulous.......

oh.... if you wish to see my Instagram feed.. my ID is  dontmesswithdiana



Tuesday, June 6, 2017

She would not like to be like most girls....

This is the year - Regina would graduate High School... And this would be the last year for me to obsessively post about how I feel about my baby......  I am letting it go... I have to let it go. I have to make peace with it... I have to let her rest in peace..... And finally I found her a place to rest....

  I have had many dreams about her over the years...

WHen I lived in Asia, I almost never dreamed about her...

But when I moved back, it got out of control...   I dreamed about Regina about 2 times in ever y week.. . it was too much for me to handle...  But dreams would never stop.

 There were - and still are times I wake up in cold sweat   seeing her Gebe and her playing .. There are times I see dreams I see me getting  little frustrated with her--meaning me trying to teach her how to read or do math, or "forcing"  her into research program  she did not choose, but it was best bet for her....

 I will always feel it all....   I would feel every emotion  I ever hear from every parent going through having  their child getting sick... ..

But at this moment .. .I see my   beautiful Regina  going to prom,heading off to University.... having a boyfriend... ....



and and and....

I want my People reminding me I have a son who needs me equally as much...



I am well aware what is happening in my life....

One thing I want to tell you is... As much I want to leave this all behind...  Never talk about it, etc... It is not my thing...


SHe is here... I feel Her every day next to me...

Never tell me it will get better.. ........  Loose  your child.. then chat with me about these topics......




                               


Sunday, May 28, 2017

I can fix me up....

"My life journey is what it is.
I have lived a life , but my life is not over. "These are the words I just told someone who questioned my well being.....

Past year I have been struggling to write, because  I have got lot of BS from people to my face and privately about what I should be, instead what I am ....  Seems like everybody knows more about me, than I do... ...

Don't get me wrong... I love a good advice.  I take it into consideration but apply to my life, when there is need for that . We all live a life that is given to us , and we all have different demons to fight. ...

 I have been actually struggling with lot of other things to.  But I am happy to say , One thing I am not struggling anymore is -- 'Me'.  Going from divorce to Single mom-- is hard...

Then.. Divorce- single mom- single.....  That is even harder....  But it is doable...  Nothing changes..

Now I am ex wife... But I am still mom... I always will be mom.. BUT I am not HANDS on mom...


 Which means -- I am back in beginning...  With scars only few can understand....


And I am slowly withdrawing myself from who do not see me...

It is hardest one of them all... But it has to be done as well :)

Live the life you feel is designed for you, not the life  people around you think is meant for you.....
Make your own mistakes, have your adventures, laugh about jokes that make you laugh, don't care what others say, date who you wanna date, take care of your kids the way it works for you....

LOVE YOU the way no one else can LOVE YOU !!!

Peace and Love to you all.....






Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Just let it be..

( This post is just weird ... ever for me ;))

I don't remember...

 I can't point a finger on what made me ME....
But I remember the day I accepted my faith in November TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN.... Maybe that was it?

 I don't know?
 I was fresh out of "country side"...  Met someone fresh  out of divorce,/ Ph.d degree and "shit"...

19 year old me ..... of course it was exciting...But I had no idea , this is the life I would one day love to live... ....


 fast forward to now...


  I Remember every moment from 09/20/2009... till now... ANd before that... lets rewind it all to till 1997...  Yes.... it has been my life and my memories.. and flash backs... .

How could I forget...



I had 2 amazing kids, had interesting marriage  for about 14 years, . .. And to this date I have been a mom  for 18 years...

It has not been an easy ride... There are days, I wish I was not me..

There r days, I wish I did not exist.. There r days I wish I could ... . ... ....

There are days I wish I could show my emotions as raw as they are in me, and everyone would understand...

There are days people would not tell me they get it... ( because they don't)

There are days  I wish  people just leave me alone..

There are days people did not expect anything from me...

And with that all said... I wish my Friends would not turn away from me when I do not return their messages for days...











Thursday, April 27, 2017

One of the reasons I have trust issues...

I don't really have them anymore, but I don't give a crap about being in a relationship ( you know one of those where you can annoy each other with bad breath, and farts, and open door bathroom visits... And cuddles.... I do miss cuddles...... )..


But I was just thinking back to couple of my relationships and , chats with guys, and I realized...   I am  going to be single till the day, someone appreciates me...  Does not matter what I do...


 But back to trust issue shit....  When I was married to my ex husband ( most of you know he is Chinese)... He would constantly tell me, he does not like Chinese women/ girl/ whores/ or whatever other vagina owning  living things)... But  interestingly enough  he only had affairs with Asian, and is now in happy ( i hope they are happy) relationship with Chinese woman and has 2 new kids.....  Adorable ones I must say :D

Then I dated this guy, who always said, OH NOOO, i can't stand black girls/ woman ( he was black himself)... ANd I just laughed inside.... PLEASE STOP THIS NONSENSE... A
And then I dated someone else  who was black, who said exact same thing, and he is in a relationship with AMAZING beautiful Black girl right now... SO .. I guess my superpower is... I am Crazy white girl, and I turn them back to dating their own race :D        

Yeah, I have  trust issues... NEVER tell me anything bad about your exes...   THere was a reason you were with them at first place, sometimes even spent years with them...  There is a reason you trusted them, there was a reason, you fell in love with them... And yes, there was a reason your relationship fell apart... But don't let that over shine all the goodness they brought to your life.... BTW... my friends know all the shit about my amazing exes too....     And sometimes I wish, I made smarter choices...  But heck with it :D  

We are all crazy in our own way....  

I know there are few females out there thinking I am the worst person in  this universe... Because my ex decided to share only the info that would make him the victim....  But the truth is...  it takes 2 to tango .....  it takes 2 to fuck everything up... not one---  but 2!!!!!

With that said...  before I get to know you ... I don't trust you.. even if I do get to know you, I still would not trust you.... .. Bring wine over.... Friends for life........ Namaste

Monday, April 24, 2017

Future...

All you know I write about what I feel about writing about. There  is no flow to my writings... I just write..... And If I get one more email/ message about-  I should be careful what I say, because it could be hurtful or mean, or to open minded... Why?   is my questions? ...

But past few days, I have one thought heavily weighting me down...   Sometimes I choose to suppress it. Sometimes I cry  because of this thought... Sometimes. I look up in to sky and say--- Why am I still dealing with these feelings..... ... And answer every time is...  "Because, you still have something to learn...."...


Even today when I started writing, I absolutely completely forgot , what I was supposed to write. My mind was traveling thousands of miles per second - how can I pay my bills, How, can I meet all my friends in estonia, HOW I could be the best person here in USA to my friends, and HOW I can recognize best of me one of these days...


But one of the most horrible thoughts has never left my mind.... Our offspring... Our kids... Our blood...  Our  everything...


And the most upsetting though on my mind now is...  We don't exactly know the moment we get pregnant... But when we find out, It could be the SCARIEST moment, or the happiest..

I had 2 beautiful pregnancies and , 2 successful births ...  I have amazing almost 16 year old... and I have Forever 10 baby girl, who would turn 18 this year....

From the moment you were born.. NO one  prepares you for life...  Your parents teach you what they know the best, and one day when you fly out of your parents house... YOU find out there are millions of other ways of living....  The moment you give birth to your kids, you NEVER think about loosing them before you..  And when you do loose them at age, they r not supposed to leave this planet.... I started questioning everything in my life.... And I started questioning Relationships in my life as well...


 And fast forward to now.... All I have to say is.... I am still figuring shit out and It is the most amazing feeling to do this...  It feels good to be aware. It feels good to be accepting and empathetic, and caring, but still staying true to yourself.....

One thing I would never ever do is to live according to someone  else's reality...


Meet me halfway Baby.....

I will be 39 in couple of weeks...  For some females this is the number they would settle... For me it is the number... I MADE IT!!!!   I had few moments in my life, I did not want to  MAKE IT!!!!... I pulled through, and I will keep pulling through...

I will find plenty of reasons to wake up every morning and smile ...and ... LIVE at least another  30 years.... :)  


I have to reinvent myself once again..... It is tiring , and taxing,  confusing... but  once again... I AM DOING IT !!!!!     And it fucking hurts......