Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Calm after a storm....

 I have been in a funk for few past days. Some of it is associated with Regina and Valentiens day-  I just remember the way she used to draw hearts and spread joy and happiness all around her.  And I just misses to pieces.   The other day I wrote Instagram post about it as well... I have so many bottled up feeling inside me when it comes to her.  One of them is all about love. I have so much love in me, that I want to give to her, and I want her to feel it, and not being able to do so, is rough.  My love for my kids is unconditional.  Gabriel and Regina will always be loved equally in my heart. Often times it might seem that I talk more about Regina than Gabriel, and some of you might want to say;" OH, but your son deserves all your attention now." 

I have to disagree there.  He gets my attention , but if I'd give him attention that is not meant for him, it would do more harm for him than good. And with that, i will just leave it there.... We all have our ways of living and loving...

 
Now fast forward to my second reason of feeling little emotional.

 In December 2017 my paths crossed with someone I though does not exist.  He is my Unicorn. Men like HIM  don't exist. At least THEY DID NOT , before he appeared  out of nowhere , without warning.... Just  Being himself.... Just radiating his energy into this universe at his terms ... And I caught it....


Month after our initial meeting we connected, and our teamwork started.   I help him out what he needs on his journey to top, and He trains me to the point I don't know where I am at...

At first, when  I started training with him , I had no feelings towards this situation. I just needed that kind of calm energy around me that he carried with him.

Fast forward to now-- 2 months after our initial meeting. He is my trainer 2 times a week. I have let my guard down and today first time during our workout I let my emotions run wild and I cried . I cried about everything. I cried about  losses in my life, I cried about settling for less and I cried about slowly falling for him.

We chat a lot. And first time in my life I am chatting about Things that matter.. First time in my life I am putting myself first, and   Someone Who i thought could never see me, sees me..  For me, it just blows my mind.  How is it possible, when you  say nothing at all, you say it all same time....

So today I cried. I cried because My  walls/ guard is coming down again. And RJ has  huge part in this part of my journey.   And I wanted to resist it soo bad....


I don't show my emotions a lot.  I laugh, I smile, I joke, I kid, I brush it under the rug, and keep building this wall of mine thicker and stronger... And Then He came along, and I could see the wall I am building getting   weaker and weaker, and trembling here and there and bricks one at a time are falling off from random places....

RJ  was sent into my life to  better it....

And our paths crossed in one reason only...  Never forget where you came from......  make best of it with what you have...

Monday, February 5, 2018

Freedom....

What freedom means to you might not be what freedom means to me.
For some  of you freedom simply is getting away from kids, going to bar, date night, spa, nail salon.. etc...

For some freedom is to go and sleep around  spread lies and hurt people , and do whatever the fuck else  they want. And then they get away with it, because they are so amazing manipulating this freedom of theirs...

For others it might be getting home, taking off all clothes , turning on zen music and just enjoying comfort of being home.. And of course there are those who does not believe that such thing as freedom exists...

We all have our freedoms.... But are you really free?

For me journey to  MY FREEDOM started years ago.  At that time I was not quite sure what I was searching, but I knew I wanted to be "free".  Free does not mean single, or alone, or lonely, or lost, or doing my own thing.  Free for me means-  able to   live my life on my terms, and able to let go whatever does not allow me to blossom and accept it all that feeds my soul the way I don't never have to hide again.

Freedom is a beautiful thing but sadly not everyone understands it.  When I  go to bed at night . Lay my head to pillow. Close my eyes, take a deep breath in, and then breathe out.....  Think about  what my mission is..... And with that... I know I had the best possible day , with the best possible outcome... It does not matter how rough it was-- it was still the best day ever, because I am still alive . I am still breathing and I still have a vision..

Freedom for me means - to be me and to be accepted by others the way I am...  And when you find that tribe of yours... You know you are finally home....

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Random dating thoughts.

When I am overly excited and engage a lot in conversations, and send cute messages to guys-- I get a feedback I am to clingy and needy.

When I don't  engage to much,  just nod  my head and stay  just "cool".. I have been called cold and lacking of emotion.


When I am myself, laughing, smiling, happy,  expressing my feelings, talking about my passions... I get told.- YOU ARE PERFECT CATCH, WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?.

And there I am , Fucking single, staring a guy straight into eyes and tell him-- I am FUCKING PICKY....   I know what I want...

For fucks sake-- it is 21st century.. 2018. What does a woman has to do to actually pin down a man? Because this woman here for sure is not willing to settle for some half ass fake , dating 10 girls at a time kind of "boy".   We ether date or we do not. I do not have time for between. 

Why is it a sin to have High standards?  Or being 39 and been told by 50 year old  man-- oh, you are old already...  Why you even think you are worth love?    Seriously? How sad your life has to be to stoop to that kind of level , to belittle woman?


 Blows my mind....

Monday, January 22, 2018

This year, new vibes, new passions, new everything...

Dayum....

Lets just say. I have not done  "real" writing for a while.  I did some emotion driven writing based on whatever emotions I had in me , that were looking for a way out.   time to time we need all  need some sort of  layout .  Vent, bitch and moan... Some  of us turn to friends, some of us  turn to therapy, and some of us turn to sex.  And myself I have turned to myself last year and whatever I missed in my life is  finally manifesting right at this moment.

Everything starting since  from November 2017 to this point at 2018 has been  for some reason miraculously amazing to me.   Beginning every week I though, something will happen that will dim my success... But it never happened... 8 weeks fast forward to now... It just keeps getting better... Every word I have ever put out there to universe about what I wish and need and want and desire , is happening right at this point... I wake up every morning smiling again. I look forward to my days instead of threading them... I pray again. I smile again.

This January has been blessing in every way . And it is not over yet. And most important part of it all is... I AM NOT AFRAID OF GETTING LIFES BLESSINGS ANYMORE. We all get a break at one point in our lives. And mine is finally here.... I think I have done something right .... :)

xo

Saturday, December 30, 2017

2017

WHAT?

Already ending?  I need one more month to make it right .. JUST ONE MORE MONTH OF 2017....

I am not going to write about 2017...   There is nothing to write about it.. It was my year of adjusting back to  culture in USA... It was dramatic at times.. But after you have lived in Asia for a long time, you would understand what I mean...  ALl of you who would say, WHY?  Seriously?  Stop trippin.... etc...  I have one thing to say... Move out of your comfort zone for 6 something years, and we will talk then...  So...   If you really wish to know more about   what I mean by " adjusting" ... Ask me...

 I also managed somehow to forgive myself this year.... It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.......   Forgiving myself was something  I had  wanting to do for a very long time.... In fact- Since year... 2000 .But I just kept  putting it on back burner..If you do not address it it does not exist... And I did not have solid proof for years, because, there were no smart phones and no  screenshots..  and no saved chats....




We "broke up" couple of times during our marriage. 
   Meaning, we spoke about divorce, because I just could not take his cheating anymore..
We lived under the same roof , but living separate lives.... And then coming together again as couple and then breaking up again.....  So fucking unhealthy... But  that time it did not seem like that.....


if I spoke about it to my friends, they would tell me to get out of marriage, leave him,  I can do it on my own , I can find a new man,  I am better without him. etc..   AND YES, they would have been right. But for some reason, I could not do it, and open up about it. 

So I stayed.  For kids.... For me.... For him...... Even knowing I was not the only one...


I  stayed and forgave  pretty much for whole 15 years we  stayed  married....


So this year.. I forgave myself for allowing this kind of relationship to last for that long.

Because when I demanded LOVE, RESPECT and HONESTY from him- I got  deceit, disrespect and lies, and much more.....  And I forgave him for years and years and years and years

  I could talk about it for hours.... There is so much you all do now know...

All I can say now is...  There was a reason he was sent to my way..     mhm....

Because now, I do not give a guy even 15 MINUTES after  I find out he lies to me...  I kind of like it:)  Life lessons are great...


 SO I managed to forgave  but I will never foget


Sunday, October 15, 2017

Dear life...

  I feel horrible for not writing for so long.  I really have no excuses .  And I can not  apologize for it ether. It has been interesting  month or so....

 September 19th and 20th were 2 really horrible days for me. I  am grateful for my friend who  took me under her wing and offered her company for these 2 days.    I felt myself slowly falling into darkness again, and those who have been there , know how it feels to be alone and scared and frustrated and fragile and misunderstood and angry, and sad, and mad  and feel hate and love and more frustrations, and more darkness and more everything else that is not possible to put into words...

The feelings, I  felt not for that 2 days, but for  whole 8 years are only  imaginable by those who have lost a child.  But around every major Memory that is associated by Regina , I turn into this hot mess, and as much as I try to be on control of everything, It is not possible for me to stay completely in control of my emotions.  I have been told so many times you have PTSD...  ANd then I have been told- when I open up about it,  NO YOU DON't , you never went to war... You did not kill anybody or did see anybody killed.....   Well, for those of you who have said that , and are reading it right now, I did see someone I gave birth to be killed by cancer, by medications,  by my own choices even maybe, because who am I to know what is right or wrong to do or suggest or  whatever when my own child has cancer?   There Is not right or wrong...  Action has to be taken .... And hope it turns out to be  Right step...

You lie to yourself every single morning - that it will be alright, because if you don't lie to yourself that everything will be alright you will be mess, not able to breathe, sleep, see, feel.....   So I told myself, I got this shit, and we will be alright....


I lied to my friends that I am ok, to my family, to doctors, to psychologists, to strangers....  I lied till I could not anymore...

And now 8 years later, when I am telling the truth, most people have pulled away, because they don't know how to react to it, how to comfort, how to be a friend...    Can I blame them?  No , of course not..  

They go back to avocado and kale and wish for miracle cure for all of their problems....  I don't have time for that shit....

Let me end this post before I get more passionate about it......

 I have issues,, I know...  I just wish no mother ever has to loose their child again, but it is naive wish...    So my humble suggestion to you is...     Don't be intimidated.... We  moms who have gone trough hell , are tough as fuck...  But we are still human.  Our reality is different than yours, but it does not make us better than you in any way.. Our wisdoms are different, and accept that...  Be there for as us well,  we need a ear and a hand and a shoulder to cry on time to time........

.... love to you all....

Monday, September 11, 2017

setback....

First of all, I want to apologize to all of you , who have sent me messages, and emails, and I have not responded to them...

All of you who are moms, or , amazing friends, or even amazing open minded humans, know what intuition is!!! You know something is wrong with someone close to you in your life, or with someone you vibe well with... it is just that feeling...

I woke up today feeling sick. I was sweating my heart was racing,  and I could not even concentrate .  I would sit on a sofa and shake... ( not because of alcohol--- I cut my drinking down to weekends these days)...   I could see my heart wanting to jump out of my chest, and that made kind scared....  And my mind went straight to Gabriel- my son , who lives in china... He is 16 years old ... and i miss him way to much...   Few minutes after that, I got a message from Gabriel, asking me to contact Hangzhou international school, because he is really sick....  I almost lost my mind..  I was like, where is you father?  And  Gabe said- he is never here.....   My heart just stopped for few seconds....
I  got all these emotions in me, and I could not let them out.. All I could do was to just smile, and tell him everything will be alright, and he will be fine...  and drink and sleep, and drink more water or gatorade... Just relax and don't worry about anything......

So, after I was done chatting with him...  Calmness kind of came back to me, but now I am just angry.. Angry at myself for many reasons... and  for a split second.. I wanted to let myself go again...  Eat uncontrollably, drink bottle of wine, and send tons of angry messages to G's father... But I composed myself...  And told myself.. this is it.. Never again, will I let this man to get under my skin... Because if i do, I might end up in jail , somewhere in China......

Just hoping that my awesome rockstar son gets better soon